They say that there’s no place for the state in the bedrooms of the nation, and you know what else has no place in the bedrooms of the nation? MALM furniture from IKEA or my cousin Steve.
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Watched The Little Mermaid with my girl last night & realized that Aerial could be on an episode of Hoarders. : /
Before you say you want to be treated like a king or queen, just remember that a lot of them were beheaded.
i have a lot to offer! most of it’s bad but it’s still a lot
🎵 so no one told you life was gonna be this waaaaaay… 🎵
Greese be like we go together like shamalamghwejghsdiuoeqwhgiwjrsdkhjkgwidjskbgfiuegkajsfkj
How many ears does Captain Kirk have?
Three: the left ear, the right ear, and the final front ear.
My dog peed in his pool and then laid down in it and I thought that was awful until I remembered my last trip to the lake.
*puts lips to microphone*
Microphone: I have a headache
Deleting dating apps because, if you’re not already sitting on my couch, we’re not meant to be.
My family using a Ouija board to summon my spirit: “Are you with us? Please, shows us you are here! Wait, it’s moving… o-m-g-w-h-a-t-d-o-y-o-u-w-a-n…”
I don’t remember my driver’s ed teacher saying anything about merging while a child is playing a recorder in the back seat.
I’ve noticed many of my friends are in The Grapefruit Window, which means they’re old enough to enjoy eating grapefruit but not yet on medication that prevents them from eating grapefruit.
therapist: so, what do you say when she says that
me: you sound like your mom
therapist: 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️
At last…. a TV interview that tackles the real issues (Andrew Weldon)
I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges. 🤔
My favorite part of meal prepping all of my lunches for the week on Sunday is that then I have an easy way to eat all five of those lunches before noon on Monday.
The first Hobbit movie was half the book. The second, about a quarter. In the sixth instalment, the group has a 3 hour breakfast and a nap.
“netflix: are you still watching” bro, i have kids, i’ve been trying
Remember to think of others this holiday season!
Your mom when the street lights been on 6 minutes and you’re not home yet.
Him: You can’t give the cat treats right after he tripped me on the stairs. He’ll think it’s a reward.
Me: It is.
“On my way” I said, pretending to drive my bed.
“I was so high one time, I stopped at a stop sign for 20 minutes waiting for it to turn green.”
Captain: Did you break the sonar again?
Me: Yessir. I’m sorry
Captain: This is why we can’t have nice pings
Melania Trump says her husband is “not Hitler.” That’s true. Hitler had a mustache and adult-sized hands.
Not to get too technical, but chemistry says alcohol IS a solution. So I win.
I don’t think my blind date was blind, she read the menu and caught the basketball I threw at her
My grandma was so poor she only left me recipes for pasta dishes in her will, you could say she was my..
*golf swings*
Pennefactor.
’50 Shades of Grey’ taught me how to please a woman. It’s by writing a shitty book.
HR says I’m not allowed to build an electric fence around my desk for days I have to go into the office .