when all of your friends are at a bar that doesn’t allow you inside because one time you brought a sword in there
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Bylaws shmylaws I’m digging a moat.
howdy. i’m a sheriff in this here movie or show. and if i see somethin startlin? well… best believe i’m takin my hat off at it. real slow
“And then we’ll have the throat hole open up and a rectangle candy will drop from it. Kids will love it.” ~ Inventors of Pez dispensers.
My boss: we’re gonna have to let you go
Me: *shouting over Slayer* why?
Find someone to make you laugh everyday and if that doesn’t work find alcohol like I did.
I wish my seven-year-old daughter would stop using air quotes whenever she calls me “Dad.”
Man, we’re losing so many people at work. Eric got fired, Amy found a new job, Rich evolved into a being of pure energy and ascended to a higher plane of existence, Sam’s internship ended… Everyone’s leaving.
[undercover as a mom]
Me: my little Timmy is 6 years old now
Other moms: *narrow eyes*
Me: *sweating* i meant uh, 72 months
Face ID doesn’t recognize me unless I’m chewing
*sees a hot christian girl*
Me: I am christian now,where do i get one of those plus signs?
Friend: That’s a cross.
Me: across from where?
Tip for lower back pain: injure your neck to take your mind off it.
Me: You sprained your ankle, let’s bandage it up and ice it.
Husband:
*3 hours, one x-ray and $156 later*
Doctor: You sprained your ankle, let’s bandage it up and ice it.
Danny in Grease: I want this car to look cool
Kenickie: sure bro
Danny: and put in a part that makes it fly
Kenickie: wait what
I’m 97% positive that my working from home situation will be negatively impacted by the fact that I’m downloading Fallout 4 on my work laptop right now.
My teen isn’t feeling well and WebMD says imminent death but Google classroom says imminent math test.
do weddings actually cost like $50,000 or is everyone lying for fun
12
The number of times you can use the word moist while ordering pizza before they refuse to send the delivery guy to your house
Tired of true crime podcasts? Then check out my fake crime podcast. In the next episode I go into detail about how back in 1997, my grandma was mugged by a rhinoceros.
Well, that didn’t work.
My kid got so bored he asked to do chores, so if you need me, I’ll be over here on my fainting couch
Pete Davidson always knows what’s different about you when you ask
GOD: I call those trees and plants
ANGEL: very beautiful
GOD: ya I’m gonna make some people allergic to them
ANGEL: dude who hurt you
If you could pick a super power what would it be? Mine would be eating a nutritious meal when I’m depressed
I’m getting tired of always having to slowly raise my hand every time someone angrily asks, “Who does something like that?!”
I accidentally drank a bottle of invisible ink last night.
I’m in the hospital now, waiting to be seen.
Getting lucky during a pandemic means I just scored the last bag of doritos in the grocery store.
Latest election news: Donald Trump narrowly leads Hillary Clinton by 4 lies.
Today I saw a bird shit on somebody for no apparent reason at all.
Then I thought of you.
What did u do last night?
Me: I drowned my swallows in whiskey
Don’t u mean sorrows?
Me [covering tub of dead birds]: is that the saying?
Hey Mr. Tambourine Man, play a song for me.
*Tambourine Man shakes tambourine for several minutes*
Well that sucked.