I’m a professional burglar. I’ve always been careful to not shit on my own doorstep and have made a point of leaving my neighbours alone. This is not made easier by the local Whatsapp group where people regularly state their holiday dates to everyone
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DO NOT be afraid to criticize the founder of Twitter @jack.
He just gave the greenlight to fascists like Alex Jones who attack the parents of murdered children.
THIS.
MOTHER.
FUCKER.
DOES.
NOT.
CARE.
HE. MUST. BE. FIRED.
Be brave. Retweet if you agree he must be fired!
Dear life:
If you’re gonna stick me with pimples at my age please give back my old body, my old mind, and most importantly my old Mustang.
Don’t make a mountain out of a molehill
Do it with mashed potatoes, then play keyboard for the aliens… I think my cough medicine expired
*professes my undying love to my microwave*
*microwave sets itself on fire*
I can tell people are judgmental just by looking at them.
Young MacDonald had a farm,
Heavy GMO.
The corn’s pest-free but side effects,
Are more or less unknown.
My 2-yr-old has a toy phone that she pretends to talk on.
She looked right at me and said “hewwo?” into the toy phone.
I grabbed my phone and said, “hello, Isla! This is Daddy!”
She then said, “Isla not home” and hung up on me.
Sir this bag is too heavy, you’ll have to pay an extra $25 to check it.
Sure thing *dumps 2500 pennies from bag onto counter*
🦝🔥🦝🔥
My dog walking company has terrible reviews and I’m being sued.
My garage full of dogs is totally worth it.
The ketchup bottle always teaches you new ways it can destroy your shirt.
Calm down penguins. You’re just a flashy suit and a few body parts away from being a platypus.
Guy on plane:
*hits me in face with coat*
That was me.Me: *turns around*
*pokes him in the eye*
*takes his peanuts*
And that…was me.
Her: Sorry I’m late to work. I was talking to my husband and he wouldn’t stop listening.
My son, 5, scared of the thunder.
I told him that was silly considering the sun could explode any day, killing us all.
Think that helped.
I was under the false impression that my kids would stop elbowing me in the bladder after they were born
Just because I’m gay, doesn’t mean I don’t know how to please a woman.
You buy them a dress with pockets.
Me: I just need some time alone, please.
*closes door*– Ma’am, if you’re not trying on clothes, we’ll need you to leave the dressing room.
I sent my wife a copy of a menu from a really fancy restaurant ahead of time….
….she’ll be so surprised when we pull up at this Applebee’s.
“Some say I have a drinking problem”
*pours glass of water on lap*
*slowly releases air from a balloon during your wedding vows*
“I’m getting a vasectomy, orchestrated by my wife”
“You’re getting a vasectomy or your wife will do WHAT?”
You know in the first “Austin Powers” when Dr. Evil tells the therapy group about his childhood? I can deliver that bit of dialog verbatim from memory.
Interviewer: Um…yes, well I’m not sure that would be particularly useful in a hospice facility.
I don’t trust kids as far as I can throw them. Currently my record for trusting a kid is 6 feet 11-1/4 inches.
[wife who bought regular paper towels instead of the select a size paper towels] what’s wrong? [me trying to clean a small to medium sized spill] nothing
Pronounces ‘daughter’ like ‘laughter’
Spider: what do you mean I don’t qualify??
Army Recruiter: look buddy, this isn’t the leggy
I consider it a personal victory everytime that I don’t ask a person wearing a leg cast if they’ve broken their leg.
Remember back in the good old days when someome looked at you wrong, all you had to do was call them a witch and POOF problem solved