Ther are two microwaves in my office kitchen, one is for exploding lasagnas and the other one is for exploding other different lasagnas
You Might Also Like
PSYCHIC: I can see your future
ME: Are you really a medium?
PSYCHIC: *shows me the size on her shirt tag*
ME: Medium. Son of a gun…
Women: “Do you remember that time…”
Men: “No”
It’s not difficult to tell crocodiles and alligators apart. One will see you in a while whereas the other will see you later.
Joined a street protest.
Suddenly a shot, panic and everybody started running.
3 hours and a gold medal later I realised it was a marathon
I swear if one more phone call interrupts my internet quiz I will harness whichever Disney villain I am.
Need expensive surgery? Tell a surgeon you’re auditioning a few before picking one. Have them do the surgery then say “OK I’ll let you know”
Pulled a power move on the neighborhood dads by shoveling my driveway before it stopped snowing
(1st day in heaven)
Angel: STOP ASKING EVERYBODY WHAT THEY DIED OF
Emperor: How are my elite troops doing on Endor?
Vader: They were all viciously murdered by teddy bears.
Emperor: That sounds plausible.
My IUD provides me with 99% birth control effectiveness, but my husband’s dirty socks on the floor comes in at an impressive 100%.
her: your frog jokes are terrible
me: so i’ve been toad, jen
ME AT 15: “I want video games to have the best graphics and biggest explosions and deepest stories and coolest characters to show that this is truly the art form of the future pew pew pew”
ME AT 35: “I want video games to have an option to make text bigger.”
Can’t, The Thundercats need me.
My office got a shredder, so now I have to buy a turtle costume to fight it on Monday. Work is hard.
ALBUS: Got Dementors to protect Hogwarts this year. They suck souls out! Indiscriminately!
KIDS: …
STAFF: …
ALBUS: I can’t control them.
When your friend wants to do a drive by but none of us can see that good at night anymore.
I enjoy a glass of wine each night for its health benefits.
The other glasses are for my witty comebacks and flawless dance moves…
A bee is willing to end it’s own life just to cause you a tiny amount of pain. I can relate to that level of pettiness.
Recreational running is the muggle equivalent of drinking unicorn blood. Sure, you’ll probably live longer, but at a terrible price.
I just spilled my last beer while reaching over to hit “ignore caller” on my phone. Why do bad things happen to good people?
I met my wife online. We’ve been married four years and have a girl, a troll and lovely twin bots.
me: Hey!! Four Eyes!!!
Mississippi: *crying*
As part of our environmental commitment, we recycled* 84 tons of aluminium, 6 tons of rubber, 5 tons of glass and 14 miles of wiring just this morning alone.
*a plane missed the runway
9 out of 10 men prefer a girl with a big rack. The 10th prefers the other 9 men.
Dentists are evil, they’re like reverse the tooth fairy because you’re broke after.
They’re making kids learn Chinese characters in school, so they can pick out a really good lower back tattoo when they get older.
It’s only a problem if others know about it….
*Sweeps problems under rug*
No one runs faster than a 3 year old holding your iPhone.
Wrote “no thank you” on my jury duty summons and sent it back so I think I’m in the clear
I hate how websites force you to prove you’re not a robot by making you solve some puzzle only a robot could solve.