Sex in the snow is wintercourse.
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Toddlers are like ants only instead of carrying 20x their body weight, they take up 20x their body size in your bed
If you mean sleeping all day and only speaking to demand meals then yes, my teen has cat-like reflexes
[to the realtor showing me a property on sesame street] wait is that a vampire
“How’s your core?” bro I’m not an apple.
I never thought I’d be someone who complains about the quality of the prosciutto on his charcuterie board but here I am…
Just asked my coworkers if anyone had to use the potty before our next meeting, in case there was any doubt that I’m a mom.
INSTRUCTIONS:
1) Feed a cold.
2) Starve a fever.
3) Make fever watch cold eat.
4) Tell cold he’s a good boy.
5) Look at fever with disdain.
Look I wanna be friendly, but you have to introduce yourself to me 3-5 times in the wild
FRIEND FROM COLLEGE: After I sold my tech company, I moved to France where I met my wife, Juliette. We have three beautiful kids and run a bed & breakfast in Paris.
ME: Remember how I used to like creamy peanut butter? Now I like chunky
8yr old: I’m teaching myself sign language and I’m so upset! Why would they do this?!?
Me: Do what?
8: Do you know what the sign for cactus is?
Me: I do not.
8: It’s the middle finger! I can’t use the middle finger!
Me: Well, I mean, how often do you say cactus?
8: That’s fair.
O-mi-cron, Becky. Look at that variant.
My husband: All the flags are at half-mast this weekend.
Me: For Tina Turner?
My husband: [long, scathing pause] For Memorial Day.
Word find for ghosts:
O o O o O o O o O o O
o O o O o O o O o O o
O o O o O o O o O o O
o O o O o O o O o O o
O o O o O o O o O o O
o O o O o O o O o O o
I’m at my most vulnerable when I’m hungry like I’ll tell you anything
Iron: you’re always trying to turn me into something I’m not!
Blacksmith:
me: the doctor said i have to stay in bed
boss: ok how long?
me: just a normal bed
The 16yo tells me he’s been revising all day. His browser history suggests he’s got his YouTube exam in the morning.
My 7-year-old wrote this joke:
What’s a zombie’s favorite weather?
A brainstorm.I’ve never been more proud.
if you find a corpse and nobody claims it in three days, well, free corpse
“Daddy, what’s for breakfast?”
“Its 5am. Anything you can reach”
Cats love it when you give them a mohawk
A few dozen cupcakes tripped and fell into my mouth against my will.
When you have pets you learn mad skills, like how to make the bed with them still on it.
Gorilla glue is amazing. I haven’t seen a broken gorilla in years
Cat 911: what’s your emergency
Cat: my human is bleeding to death!
911: stay calm. what happened
Cat: she tried to pet my stomach so i bit her
911:
Cat:
911: hahahaha
Cat: hahahaHA
Cat Paramedics: *arriving on scene* HAHAHAHA
You never see anyone in Star Wars wearing glasses. Is there someone out there performing Lasik with tiny lightsabers and a very steady hand?
Cryptocurrency, but it’s just dead people buying stuff.
Just ate a whole dictionary. It was alphabet soup, but I figure all the words were in there.
Straight friend: Will you sensitivity read my book for my lesbian best friend character?
Me, two weeks later: The lesbian best friend is absolutely perfect. Here’s 16 pages of notes detailing the incorrect things you said about Star Trek.