Zoom / MS Teams calls are the best places to see miracles happening.
Someone gets disconnected and everyone pronounces, ‘I think we lost her.’
Then they rejoin and say, ‘Hey, I’m back.’
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my dad is heart reacting pics of my mom that he himself sent in the family group chat
The government was gonna impose martial law but a typo turned it into marital law, so now everyone is just passive aggressively coughing into one another’s soup while they watch 24-hour news channels in complete silence
Cow it started Cow it’s going
TEENAGE JAMES BOND: its actually just a learners permit to kill. I can kill, but only with an adult over 25 and not after 10pm
Look man, I don’t care if Mercury is in photosynthesis, settle down
Excited for the return of Game of Thrones.
Not excited for the return of the phrase, “If you’d read the books, you’d know that…”
Went for a run and now I have to find a way to trade my body in for scrap
When I die, before my will is read, I want my entire Google search history revealed and whoever is left in the room gets it all.
Want to piss your girlfriend off?
Text her “He’s busy.” and turn off your phone.
I learn something new every day that I didn’t want to know.
A scrub is a guy who thinks he’s fly.
[I scramble to take off my full-body fly costume]
what?
In 1999 this man was asked to reenact his recent lottery win for TV and ended up winning again on camera
I had my year-end evaluation and it went like “You have great substantive legal skills, but you don’t come into the office enough and you don’t attend social events and you don’t regularly answer emails on weekends.” Yes, precisely.
Hey cell phone companies who play smooth jazz hold music hoping I’ll lose interest and give up: yeah, it’s kinda working
moderator: your word is “impatient”
sloth: can you use it
moderator: in a sentence yes “i am growing imp-“
sloth: in a
moderator: you know what close enough *ding*
sloth: oh great thank you
moderator: what the
is Kristen Stewart a Vulcan
Sometimes I want to kidnap a few woman for two to three weeks so that their eyebrows can grow without fear
Unless you refer to it as either a shindig or a hootenanny, I will not be attending your party.
does anyone else pack underwear like they’re going to shit themselves every single day of a trip?
Me: Then the robber came through the door holding a gun
Cop: Was it a revolver?
Me: No he just pushed it open and walked through like normal
I love when I can still smell your colon on my pillow the next day.
-why spelling matters
I’m calling the cops.
Artists when they havent drawn for 1 second
8: I forgot my name
Me: Oh no!
8: no I –
Me: is it amnesia, do you have amnesia?
8: no I just –
Me: this is terrible!
8: I JUST FORGOT TO PUT MY NAME ON THE PAPER
I thought there would be a lot more happiness and sun in “The Shining.”
Me: How do I beat the bully?
Dad: Just punch him
Me: I am not doing that
Dad: Or grow up, work hard, and be more successful and popular than him
Me: So like an uppercut?
My lack of pants is nobody’s business.
First person to see an eclipse: SHIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII…oh okay
SCHRÖDINGER: So son, theoretically your cat is neither dead or al–
WIFE: Tell him.
SCHRÖDINGER: Your cat’s dead.