Having ordered a cake from Layer’s I requested they send change for 2000/- (conversation was in Urdu). This is what was delivered!
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professor x: what’s your power?
me: i have a metal skeleton and metal claws
professor x: oh sry we mainly fight a guy with magnetic powers so bringing you along would be kinda stupid
me: yeah [looks at camera] that would be stupid wouldn’t it?
Its probably time to clean the microwave when you heat coffee and it comes out smelling like a burrito.
Dads, when there’s 38 things to do before everyone is ready to leave: I’m going to go wait in the car.
Dear check writer in front of me,
I am trying to remember this is how my grandmother would have paid and I would punch anyone who judged my grandma. You are making this harder.
This is a true ally.
“Fiona, You up?”
-Shrext.
me: i’d love to go out with u but i am 198,000 bells in debt
bf: ur what
me: that raccoon drives a hard bargain ok
bf: the what
me: nook. he built me a house and pretty much all the residents rely on me and—
bf: wh—
me: —basically what i’m saying is i’m busy
I caught my son chewing on electrical cords.
So I had to ground him.
He’s doing better currently.
And conducting himself properly …
Me: What kind of tools do I need to make a cake?
Him: The fact that you’re calling ingredients tools means u shouldnt be in charge of this.
I want to be rich enough where I’m not offended by the price of beef jerky.
ME: *3D prints a girlfriend* Hey baby
3D Girlfriend: *3D prints a boyfriend* I have a boyfriend
Just met Darth Vader’s very corrupt brother – Taxi Vader.
Mean Girls 2020: “Gross, isn’t that the mask you wore yesterday?”
Sorry I’m late. My dog ate my car.
At noon, we ride.*
*start the dishwasher and sort the laundry.
Jaguar or leopard, it’s not going to matter in about two leaps.
DOCTOR: I have bad news
MAN WHO WOKE UP FROM 5 YR COMA: I don’t mind as long as I get to see my favorite gorilla from the Cincinnati zoo
If you’re wondering how punctuation can be used to create suspense,
When you wake from a dream it can feel so real that you say things to your spouse like, I’m sorry I married Jason Momoa when he turned you into a florescent beetle.
All units be on the lookout, suspect is armed with hunky shoulders, soft eyes and dreamboat hair. I don’t even remember what he did anymore.
PSA: wild animals do not know to look away from the eclipse. Bring all them inside during it. Birds, raccoons, fox..all of em
WELCOME TO THE JUNGLE
WE GOT DIRT AND TREES
WE ALSO GOT SOME LIZARDS
BUT MOSTLY DIRT AND TREES
Saying “You first” when the doctor told me to take off my shirt made the rest of the appointment awkward for him and I.
People I hate when I’m driving:
1. Everyone. I hate everyone when I’m driving.
Nothing makes you regret an outfit choice faster than when you see teens looking at you and whispering.
It was the third time that summer they’d dug up her garden, and Barbara decided it was time to send the bunnies a message.
My boyfriend calls me “babe” because “pig in the city” is such a mouthful to say.
Cute guy: Is this seat taken?
Me: (ok, play it cool) No. *smiles*
Him: *takes chair away*
Moderation is good as long as you don’t overdo it.
Twitter is like 192 million people screaming “Mom watch me jump in the pool”