Sometimes, late at night, I’ll look up at the stars and wonder if you’re also stealing lawn furniture.
You Might Also Like
karate master: the easiest way to knock someone unconscious is to hit their temple
[later]
my bully brad: you’re stupid
me: where is your place of worship
My son got me some very expensive cologne for Father’s Day. I know it was very expensive because he used my credit card.
If you call me “daddy” in bed I will immediately stop what we are doing and make you clean your room
When life gives you lemons. Squeeze them in people’s eyes.
A couple drops of super glue on your fingers and you wont pay attention to any other thing on the planet for three hours.
Toddler: I want to go to bed with Thor & captain America
Me: me too kid, me too
*death metal voice*
BUTTERRRRRR
Boys are cute how they’re all “I like girls that don’t wear heavy makeup” and “get down from that tree near my window or I’ll call the cops”
Lady, you misunderstood. When I asked if you would have my kids I didn’t mean sex and babies. I meant take the ones I already have.
Having a toddler is a great way to find out how much milk your tennis shoe will hold
I feel it
me: so what, you’re gonna be angry at me for the rest of your life
wife: no, the rest of yours
I read an article today about a cat who saved his owner’s life. I’m still trying to teach mine not to vomit hairballs on my bed.
People often talk about having the devil on one shoulder and an angel on the other. For me it’s more like Spock and Homer Simpson.
It’s beginning to cost a lot like Christmas
My days of chasing men are now over.
I chase ice cream trucks now.
At my funeral, take the bouquet and throw it into the crowd to see who is next.
The only drawback to having your groceries delivered is now an unknown number people know my cake habits.
Doctor: I have bad news
Me: oh no
Doctor: I just lost a ton gambling
Me: whew, I thought I was dying-
Doctor: I bet you weren’t dying
Girlfriend: I’m breaking up with you, it’s the way you have to make everything into a joke. I can’t do it any more, I’m just too tired
Me: *sadly* like a bicycle?
Ex Girlfriend:…
A techno song lasted longer
than my first marriage
Marriage vows should include “I will be super annoyed with you any time you come down with a cold”
Hear toddler having meltdown at Target
Me: Parents should control their kids!
Cashier: Isn’t she yours?
Me:
C: I saw her come in with you.
Kidnapper: We have your wife.
Me: You sonofa-it was HER turn to cook dinner for the kids tonight!
Do my kids help me cook? No.
But do they like what I cook? Also no.
Ok, but do they at least come when I call them to eat? *deepest, longest sigh imaginable*
BF: Aren’t you ashamed?
ME: Because I complained to the manager about the wait at the restaurant?
BF: No
ME: Because I ate a large pizza?
BF: Because you ate someone else’s large pizza while we were waiting
THERAPIST: tell me about your childhood
THE PREDATOR FROM ALIEN VS PREDATOR: well, when I was a child predator…
THERAPIST: ok, first let’s talk about phrasing
Nobody tell my Fitbit that today’s steps are coming from inside the casino.
My black pants had more cat hair on them after they came out of the dryer. Guess I should check the dryer for cats before I start it.