$175 an hour, $175 an hour…
– my therapist’s notes
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My son came home from golfing & took the longest nap. When he woke up, he said, “I took a total Dad nap. I’m going to make the best Dad!”
Something tells me his future wife will not agree with this.
Negotiator: I need proof of life.
Kidnapper: *motions phone to me* They want confirmation you’re alive.
Me: *sighs* Does it count if I’m dead inside?
Negotiator: Um, this is really embarrassing, but the family changes their mind. Good luck.
[being murdered]
me: this is free, right?
I want to see Taylor Swift and Rupi Kaur fight each other.
Once my school teacher lectured me for unacceptable behaviour. That’s 30 mins of sleep I am never getting back
Dear animals who hide from humans, I get it.
no my tattoos do not have any meaning i am simply a child putting permanent stickers all over myself<3 stop asking pls
I wonder if Scarlett Johansson ever fantasizes about fat comic book nerds, or is that just a one-way street?
Apparently my neighbors are having a slamming the door every 5 minutes party
Dropped a pea in my apple juice and my daughter couldn’t wait to tell me that I was drinking pea.
[god inventing cows]
angels: why?
god: cheese
angels: *nodding* cheese
When I say “seriously!” with either of the eyebrows raised, it could be a thinly disguised euphemism for wtf!!!
Whenever there’s a bee trapped inside my house, I always open all the doors and windows so all the other bees can join it and it doesn’t die alone.
Why is there so much day left at the end of my patience
“You there, yes you, what year is it? Is Kanye West still president?”
Diet update: I’m already down 3 scales after throwing them out the window.
LIFE HACK: dont jump over a dog becuase he wil get comfused and thimk ur a frisbee and try to bite u
“Smell ya later”
-me, to my asparagus
When I’m older I want to be that guy in the park just shouting random advice like ‘make sure it TOUCHES THE EDGES!’
[suspecting Kyle is a werewolf] ME: Ive laid out all the good silverware for us tonight
K: Its chips & salsa
M: Aaand? *stabs chip w/ fork*
Hot air balloons kick ass. Are they safe? Not really. Can you stop if you don’t like it? Think again. BUT can you steer? Listen don’t bring that negative energy into this wicker basket ok I’m gonna light this flamethrower.
coworker: What’d you get for Christmas?
me: Drunk
coworker: What did your wife get?
me: Mad
wife: Do you love the dog more than-
me: Yes
Be a deer and get shot in the woods for me?
Global warming is real the number of hot singles in my area has been increasing since 2007 that cannot be a coincidence
Sheepdog: Here are your 40 sheep.
Farmer: But I own only 36.
Sheepdog: I know. I rounded them up.
🎶 That’s me in the corner
That’s me in the spot light
Eating a banana 🎶
How can you still believe in astrology after hearing Mewtwo say that the circumstances of your birth are irrelevant
My teen doesn’t like how her sister cleaned the bathroom and told her to do it again, so I’m like who died and made you boss?
mob boss: i need u take out the rat
[later]
rat: [sets napkin down] the cheese was to die for
me: yes it was
rat: what