Cat: *purr*
Me: Good morning!
Cat: *headbutts me* *purr*
Me: Aren’t you the sweetest thing!
Cat: *kneads me* *purr*
Me: Yes, I love you too!
Cat: *plots my gruesome death* *purr*
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HER: *Crying* Then after the car accident my dog died, and—
ME: Hey, hey… *puts hand on her shoulder* This is a bad story. You’re telling a bad story.
Everyone: We’re concerned about you.
Me: *snorting crushed up smarties off the back of a public toilet* why tho?
I accidentally used my cat’s shampoo, and now my wife takes pictures of me every 15 minutes.
Oh great. I forgot to pack an apple in my lunch and now there’s doctors EVERYWHERE.
My FIL found my husband’s childhood trumpet and then asked my 5yo if he wanted it. I don’t know what I did for that man to hate me so much, but apparently it was pretty bad.
me: *whispering angrily against his lips* no it’s not ok
waiter: *whispers back* but have you ever actually tried Pepsi
When the cops are at your door have on a cape, carry a wand, and tell them you’re a magician when they ask how your boyfriend disappeared.
(A world where everyone is named Bethany)
Bethany: what should we name our child?
Bethany: Bethany
Me: I’m pretty brave.
Wife: You shrieked in terror at a potato.
Me: It had stuff growing out of it. I could’ve died.
“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus
the look on his face when he realizes he’s being watched is absolutely adorable
(jukin media)
Surprised my wife with a paper airplane her reaction proves that women don’t care about origami
No one deals with rejection more than Internet Explorer requesting to be your default browser..
prisoner 1: what are you in for?
prisoner 2: murder
prisoner 3: arson
hamburglar: alright well it feels stupid now
Why couldn’t the pirates play cards?
The captain was standing on the deck.
#CardPlayingDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
I normally have a decent sense of direction but when I leave the exam room at a doctor’s office and have to find my way to the exit I’m suddenly Harry Potter in the Hedge Maze
My Plans 2020
But if I go out, who is going to stick their finger in the cat’s mouth and ruin his yawns?
Instead of sending a letter in a bottle, go one step further. Bottle up all your feelings, then throw yourself out into the ocean.
My five-year-old daughters noisily broke into my office during class. I tried to scoop them out on my own but failed. Went to the door to call for help and THEY LOCKED THE DOOR BEHIND ME and had a five-minute conversation with my students while I rambled on about “consequences.”
Amazing how easily that guy scaled Trump Tower. Thank God u can’t get suction cups in Mexico cause then wall idea would be really stupid.
*camping*
Son, “What’s the wifi password?”
Me, “We’re communing with nature, get off your phone.”
Son, “Does communing have two m’s or one?”
All I’m saying is why blame it on being lazy when you can blame it on being old?
How much credibility is there in that whole “you can punch yourself handsome” theory?
Asking for a friend.
me: “i have designed the world’s first electric car specifically for owls”
reporter: “owls? is it popular?”
me: “it’s turning heads”
Spielberg missed a great opportunity when he didn’t put FIN at the end of Jaws.
I wrote ‘I loathe ‘ and ac finished it with ‘people’. I’m gonna marry my phone.
The kindergarten people are so short
-my kid, after one day of being a first grader
DATE: so…this is your place?
ME: yea…not fancy but it suits me. *opens flap of bouncy house* oh, also do you mind taking off your shoes
Me : So I said to the police , “catch me if you can ”
Cellmate : “Them what happened “??