Me: *gestures to the bellhop to take my bags to my room*
Vanilla Ice: Yo man, I don’t work here
M: *slips him a five*
VI: Right away sir
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People who tweet about politics should have to pass a small test: if i say “Oh, look, a dead bird,” and you look UP, we take your phone away
Pro Tip: You can slap anybody, as hard as you want, as long as you yell “spider” first. They may even thank you.
Dressing up for Halloween is just a way of saying “I want to be uncomfortable for an entire evening in the hopes of answering the same question a hundred times.”
spoke to a 93 year old retired english teacher earlier and she stopped me mid conversation to say “please don’t end your sentence with a preposition” ok! i actually don’t know what that is
Okay body wash, unless you’re caffeinated and drinkable, you can cool it with the “energizing” claims. You’re soap.
professor x: what’s your power
me: time travel and a full head of hair lol
professor x: get out
[5 seconds later]
professor x: what’s your power
me, wearing a hat: time travel
Grandma: can you call out the bingo numbers?
Me: idk i’ve never done it B4
Gma: holy shit you’re a natural
I’m an asshole, but not “jogs in place at intersections, waiting for the light to change,” asshole.
I like big MUTTS & I cannot lie
U other breeders can’t deny
When a dog walks in with a pretty mixed race & spots all on its face it gets PET
[making the first boat]
“How do we get across this river?”
ME: we gotta build a boat
“What’s a boat?”
ME: that’s what we gotta figure out
Sometimes I wish I had Jesus in my life.
Mostly when I’ve run out of wine.
ME: The cupboard keeps opening
HANDYMAN: I see why
M: Ghosts?
H: …This screw’s loose
M: Right… But where would ghosts get a screwdriver?
me: meet my invisible gf
friend: u don’t have to settle for that
me: ok but she’s–
friend: i was talking to her
[city marathon]
ME *handing out drinks to the passing runners*: DRINK?
RUNNER *grabs drink from me*: THANKS
ME *chasing*: SO WHAT ARE WE?
I asked the barista for a dark roast and he told a joke about my dead relative.
911: Did you ring yesterday?
Boy: No
911: Day before?
Boy: Definitely not
911: Your voice is familiar
Boy: Please just help
911: Ok can you describe your attacker?
Boy: It’s a wolf
911: Oh for fu
If I say, “Don’t worry, I’m on it,” there’s a 98% chance I’m referring to my couch.
Me: [getting mugged]
THANK YOU FOR WEARING A MASK
Decided not to waste $300 on obedience training after watching my dog bark at a shovel on the patio for 10 minutes.
People who peel the entire banana before eating it are the same ones who take off all their clothes to go to the bathroom.
[boxing match]
TRAINER: Give him the old ‘one-two’
CHAMP: I’m not too good at math
TRAINER: Ok…a left and a right
CHAMP: Or politics
People always ask why I’m wearing a sombrero in my high school graduation pictures. Clearly, because it was my señor year.
me: you take your job a little too seriously
bouncer: *jumping up and down* what
*finds a corpse in the house*
Oh great, more cleaning.
I just tripped and stumbled into a group of asian kids on the street and accidentally won a breakdancing competition.
funny that they call it a bell pepper, and yet the onion rings
How can kids be so dumb and so brilliant at the same time? My son can’t say “oatmeal,” but he calls it “eatmeal” before I serve it and “atemeal” once he’s done.
Eggnog is one of my top ten favorite nogs
A man is not really successful until he has a beer fridge in the garage. Sorry, I don’t make the rules.
me: *hand on his shoulder* you can’t save everybody. just call time of death
doctor: you have a sprained ankle