WITCH (using her broom for just sweeping): did we give up our dreams?
WIZARD (using his pointy hat as a piping bag for cupcake icing): yes
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I’ve been trying to open this grocery store produce bag for thirteen years.
Tell my story.
the “don’t confuse your google search with my medical degree” thing is especially funny to me bc i’ve seen my doctors google my symptoms in appointments
If I was a zombie I’d be selective about which brains I ate.
Some of you would be empty calories.
No longer performing, members of Dire Straits are now advising other bands.
They are consultants
They are consultants
They are con-sul-tants of swing
[McDonalds board meeting]
CEO: We need some mascots that cater to children. Kids love clowns, criminals and eggplants right?
I introduced my 2yo to Cheerios and now I have to carry a little baggie around wherever we go in case he needs his next fix
Health Tip: If you add a raisin to your 1-pound bag of M&M’s it becomes Trail Mix and you can eat the whole thing.
Credit card company: Sir, you have an outstanding balance.
Me: Thanks. I do yoga.
scientist: the production of cereals l is destroying the seas. Soon there will be no seas left
aptain runch: why do I always get blamed?
sientist: ause it’s your fault
I just found out my dad carries around my 4YO’s toy car with him. When he feels stressed or sad, he reaches into his pocket and holds it. I’m teary-eyed thinking about how my child’s object brings my father comfort, but damn, we’ve been looking for that.
Everyone talks about how social media is bad for your mental health but what about Excel?
Shout out to the people who deleted their twitter accounts on New Years, see you in a few days
I’d rather my son bring home a pregnant girl than head lice
“I hate it when people pretentiously drop French words and phrases into conversations” I said to my fiancé, a propos of nothing, while en route to a café to enjoy hors d’oeuvre and an apéritif.
[God creating chihuahuas]
“Scare that rat into an identity crisis”
CDC: To prevent coronavirus stay home, avoid physical contact and don’t go into large crowds.
Introverts: I’ve been preparing for this moment my entire life.
[In football huddle]
“What do you guys think happens when we die?”
If by bandwidth you’re talking about the elastic in the underwear around my waist, then yes…I have a lot of bandwidth.
I’ve had 3 Red Bulls today and now I can taste my heartbeat.
JUDGE: i sentence you to life in prison
MY LAWYER WHO IS A HOUSE FLY: nice that’s only like 11 days
Talk to your kids about drugs.
Maybe they have better connections than you.
Can’t believe I went on a date with someone who did a background check on me and casually spent the rest of the night reciting facts about me to me, and then proceeded to continue going out with him.
Oh. My. God.
My dad is a superhero. But without a costume because costumes are expensive and do you think he’s made of money?
Maid of Honor speeches shouldn’t end with, “I’ll see you all at her next one.” I know that now.
Just signed husband up on eharmony.
Now we wait.
Earth reviews
⭐☆☆☆☆
“The landscape is memorable but the human inhabitants are all shit”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“They do amazing things with potatoes”
“How do you do, fellow birds?”
I took my toddler on a 2 mile hike so confident it would tire him out, we finally made it back to our car and he asked if we could go one more time.
5pm me: coffee doesn’t even affect me
4am me: I wonder if I can watch all the YouTube