My cousin met her husband five years ago on tinder and are now married with kids but she still has him in her phone as “Tom Tinder”
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fridge ice dispenser: *10 minutes of grumbling sounds* fine you can have ONE!
Twitter: yo don’t say stimulus say stimmy
Me: hey did u hear taylor won another gramulus
[shark tank]
ME: it’s a belt with a clock on it
SHARK: this is a waste of time
ME: *waist
When your mom is combing your hair for school picture day and she tells you what a handsome boy you are.
Him: Wanna bump uglies, baby?
Me: Ooh, yes please!* Grabs two ugly people and starts smacking them against each other. *
[Toy Story 5: The College Years]
girl: do I give you a woody?Andy: don’t– hey, don’t call it that
Her: I’m a vegetarian but I love a cheeseburger once in a blue moon.
Me: Cool. I’m a good person except for the occasional knife attack.
ME: Guess who was just promoted to be the new CEO!
COWORKER: Amanda.
ME: Why would you assume it’s a man?
If Die Hard isn’t a Christmas movie why do I spend the holidays hiding in the vents of my workplace?
Wife: you need to get rid of these jeans.
Me: but I’ve had them forever.
Wife: exactly!
Me: I love them and by keeping them I’m reducing my carbon footprint. Fast fashion etc.
Wife: there’s a giant crotch hole in them. I can see your balls.
Me: you’re welcome?
Wife: no.
I used to have to read my kids a bedtime story every single night until I started randomly killing off characters to amuse myself.
I want a name that can only be written using straight lines, so I’ll be changing my name to Wilx Kivz.
You’re 22 years old, dating a 62 year old man an update a status like “I can’t wait to see my baby” Is he your baby or your ANCESTOR ?
Pro tip:
Don’t ever ask rhetorically; “what is wrong with me?” in front of your wife. I did this two days ago.
She’s still telling me.
Wanted to listen to my audiobook, but didn’t want to get up out of bed & find headphones so my brain was like ugh, there should be closed captions you can turn on so you can listen to the story silently
ME: Hi, I have a 3 o’clock
RECEPTIONIST: Can I take your name?
ME: No. I need it for work
Boobs are to men what laser pointers are to cats.
Film producer: You’re a terrible scriptwriter.
I disagree. Me:
“Try it, it’s so good!”
“Come on, man. Just a taste.”
“I’m having some. Mmmm.”
“Trust me.”Feeding my 2yo makes me feel like a drug dealer.
Does anyone know how to save your game on twitter I’ve been playing for 2 years straight my mom is pissed
Me: “Hello, I’m here for my interview at IKEA.”
Interviewer: “Come on in! Make a seat!”
Americans pay for gym memberships and for people to mow their lawns.
OMG you guys!! I have abs
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…olutely no desire to give up tacos and beer.
[god creatig god]
GOD: make him omnipotent & onmipresent
ANGEL: ok…
GOD: and also provide no evidence he exists
ANGEL: ru sure
GOD: trust me
Dating me is like a walk in the park – Jurassic Park.
The horror:
“Come on, I’ll introduce you to everyone”.
*grabs mic at a funeral* ok now say nice things about me
*after several minutes of searching, the genealogist looks up at me*
it seems that you come from a long line of people who have gotten tragically lost in corn mazes
My husband is out of surgery and in recovery. What was the first thing my drug induced sweetheart said to me? That he loved me? That I was beautiful? That he missed me?
Nope.
Mashed potatoes. That’s what he said. Mashed potatoes. Get me some mashed potatoes.
Stranger: Your children are angels
Me: So was the devil