* 9 comes in from playing outside*
Me: Wow, your hair is a mess.
9: Ha, not messier than my room.
Me: What?
9: What?
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A friend was talking about her cat bringing her another dead mouse and my ADHD brain did a side quest imagining my snake calling a cat for Door Dash.
Lois: Why can’t I find a boyfriend like you?
Superman: What about that Clark fellow? He seems cool
Lois: Who? Speccy McSpecface?
Superman:
Lois: Are you crying?
Cops are always like “Where were you when the murder took place” and never “How were you when the murder took place”
dutch so unserious
Comments other people make during a movie are annoying.
Comments I make during a movie enhance the experience.
My husband isn’t drinking while he trains for a marathon. There’s all this pressure on me to be supportive, so, reluctantly, I’m now drinking for both of us.
my psychiatrist told me i seem like i do improv and i literally don’t even know how to take that
Autoimmune disease means you’re invincible to dying in a car accident.
My son is an embarrassment, I’m afraid. He came back from college for Xmas, and seems mortified to find that me & his mom have gone goth.
Gonna eat this baklava wearing a balaclava whilst playing a balalaika
You can’t hurt me. You’re not a disappointing sandwich.
COP: drop the gun
CRIMINAL: no
COP: [flipping through police handbook, whispers to partner] it doesnt say what to do if he says no
15 got his first job at Buffalo Wild Wings and today I went to pick him up, my car now smells like deep fried onions and axe body spray.
[at the opera]
Date: this is going on forever
Me: oh, they can’t stop until I sing
(plastic vampire teeth falling out of my mouth) divorth??
Curious that it’s always a female computer voice that calmly announces self-destruct sequences and other violent disasters.
I don’t need a boyfriend so much as I need someone to remind me I’m baking cookies when I wander off to start something else
respect that the little drummer boy showed up empty handed and said here’s some noise
I don’t do escape rooms. If I wanted to feel trapped and confused for an hour, I’d ask my husband to explain how Bitcoin works.
Date: Want to go back to my place and get naughty?
Me: Nice try, Santa.
This is why science literacy is so important, kids.
Officer: Cause of death?
Me: Well it all started innocently..
My husband and I have a lot in common. We’re both married to immature people and live in a filthy house.
The folks who write fragrance commercials must be like “I had the weirdest dream, Imma put it on TV.”
*Knocks on Misery’s door*
Me: Hey! I heard you love company.
Misery *through mail slot*: not you
Hi kids I’m Keanu Reeves here to tell you that speed is never cool unless you’re a professional SWAT member on a bus that’s about to blow up
NASA has no chill
the guy who invented predictive text died yesterday
his funfair is next Friday
Sometimes I just start counting and hope the person talking to me will go hide.
Make sure to wash your hands before AND after you eat the rich