Doctor: I’m afraid you’ve got chronic updog
Me, embarrassed that I don’t know what the word chronic means: ah well, you win some you lose some
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The only real certainties are death, taxes, & people who haven’t seen each other in forever, blocking whatever you need in the store.
Why is it called a “family who really enjoys artificially flavored drink mixes” and not a “‘Wooh, Tang!’ Clan”?
Aaaaaand tweet.
GF: *vomiting in sink* Ugh morning sickness
Me: Wait. . . wh-what?
GF: I’m pregnant
Me: Woah, slow down. Why did you call me sickness?
DOCTOR: At a guess, how much alcohol do you drink in a day?
ME: Hardly any
D: That’s excellent
ME [swigs vodka] But I’m a terrible guesser
Cooking/baking shows need a normal guy in the corner for context
Everything else would seem a lot more impressive if you could also see me accidentally setting fire to myself again in the background
I get distracted too easily to be a burglar. I’d just end up playing with your dogs, or feeding your fish and then leaving.
In my defense, it was my first eulogy. I assumed it was supposed to rhyme.
My 5yo was talking incessantly in the car and my husband turned the music way up to drown her out and I fell in love all over again.
[cocktail party]
BARTENDER: *pointing at me* Mai Tai?
ME: no, it’s mine…it came with the suit.
Seeing a woman drinking, smoking, and gambling while in her wedding dress makes me realize I need to up my multi-tasking game.
Titanic
Titanic 2: Ship Happens
Titanic 3: Let It Sink In
Titanic 4: The Quest For Peace
HIPSTER COP: *into radio* “We’ve got a 13-88 in progress…it’s a pretty rare crime, you probably wouldn’t know it”
Couples who finish each other’s sentences have killed before and will kill again.
My psychiatrist said I have a case of acute narcissism, but if you ask me it’s better described as downright adorable.
10 just said the 6 words every parent dreads hearing:
‘I need to practice my recorder’
*first day as a vegan*
“Yes, I’ll have the ribeye medium rare, extra vegan please!”
How come Ex-Lax never has coupons for a “Big Blowout Sale”???
Texting my boss to let him know how excited I am for work tomorrow
[in car]
Wife: Dont tell ur arm story
Me: Im gonna stick to humorous stories 2nite babe
*at party*
AND THAT’S WHEN MY HUMOROUS BROKE IN HALF
If Natalie Portman dated Jacques Cousteau they would win celebrity couple nicknaming forever with “Portmanteau.”
Why do sanitary towel adverts always feature a liquid which is blue?
Are aliens their primary customers?
My parents, 2017:
“Put down your phone and hang out with your kids.”My parents, 1989:
“Shhh, not now, we’re watching TV.”
I’ll defend my wife in any situation, and if we ever see a killer clown I hope she can run as fast as me.
If self driving cars are the thing of the future could you imagine how that’s going to change the repossession game? Imagine missing a payment and your Subaru just starts backing itself down the driveway.
The hay in baby Jesus’s manger came from Christian Bales.
my advice to anyone at an unpaid internship — steal from them. big stuff too. take the copier. roll it right onto the elevator.
Can anyone recommend a hypnotist? I’m open to suggestion
“If you want to lose weight eat in front of a mirror, nude”. Tried it. All I saw was a happy naked woman eating cheese.
My wife is such a bad cook,if we leave dental floss in the kitchen the roaches hang themselves.