Me: Eat your vegetables. They make you smarter.
3-year-old: *hands me a carrot* You need this more than I do.
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There’s literally no way to know how many chameleons are in your house
FREE IDEA: a tanning salon called “Turn Brown For What.”
*shaking chip crumbs into my mouth*
May it please the Court.
They should have to tell you that there will be a 20-parent group text when you’re signing your kids up for little league.
you know that voice in your head that tells you right from wrong? I think mine is like a frustrated Escape Room employee who’s watching me try to climb thru a roof tile because I refuse to comprehend clues correctly
I’m sorry, this suitcase is overweight. You’re gonna have to take some stuff out and put it in a different bag so the plane doesn’t crash.
IMPORTANT:
IF YOU GET A TEXT MESSAGE WITH A LINK THAT SAYS “NSFW SLIM JIM” — DO NOT CLICK IT — IT IS A VIRUS THAT PUTS YOUR KEYBOARD ON CAPS LOCKPLS TELL EVERYONE
I didn’t marry until my thirties because I wanted to sow some wild oats.
In hindsight, I wish I’d spent some of that time having sex with women instead.
do what now??
I’m a leader, not a follower… Unless it’s into a dark place, then screw that, you’re going first.
my mom when anyone would walk on the carpet she just vacuumed
Watching Finding Dory & her parents call her “cupcake.” How do they know what that is?
This movie doesn’t seem very realistic, you guys.
If you aggressively tailgate me in traffic, I will get over and let you pass. And then I’m gonna become your new best friend until one of us exits.
Bringing in an edit button would deny us glorious tweets like these
what did president abe lincoln call his journal?
…his lincoln logs
For 10 years I believed my best friend was a mute, but it turns out that someone has just drawn a boy in the corner of my glasses.
Romantically smoking a postcoital cigar from both ends with your lover like in Lady and The Tramp
Pretty excited about making a huge Thanksgiving feast so my daughter can eat a roll.
I was sad because I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet. So I said, “Got any shoes you’re not using?”
My sixth grader told me this morning that when his homeroom teacher calls the roll, all of his classmates decided that instead of saying ‘Here!’ or ‘Present!’ they will say ‘Against my will’.
Her: So do you like hash browns?
Me: I like pretty much anything I can smoke and please don’t call me browns
I just want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the house-sitter like “If the puma seems restless, let him splash in the Jacuzzi a bit.”
(Someone finally shuts off a car alarm)
Philip Glass: (sticks head out of apartment window above) HEY I WAS LISTENING TO THAT
Daughter: dad, will you sign up for the fun run?
Me: I don’t understand your question. Those words don’t belong together.
Back in my day teenagers didn’t vape or use social media. They befriended talking animals and solved crimes for the police.
My 3yo ran up me so I could protect her while we were playing laser tag, so I picked her up and used her like a shield so I could take her brother out.
Hadn’t tried on a pair of jeans since April. They weren’t distressed before but five minutes of wearing them and they were firing flares off into the sky.
Jesus: Go forth. You are now fishers of men.
Peter: *harpoons a guy*
Jesus: Too literal, bro.
If this paper cut is any indication of my pain threshold, then child birth would definitely kill me.
took my mom to detective pikachu she said she liked the “garlic pokemon”