“Let’s see what the internet says, shall we?”
-my kids, fact checking me
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“Let’s take a couple dozen over-stimulated children and give them enough sugar to kill an elephant.” – inventor of the birthday party
my neighbor’s freakishly loud emu kept peeking in my window while i was trying to order an 8 ft, 132 lb chocolate sack ($500)
My most favourite thing to do at work is leave.
I just said “haha omg I love your ugly sweater!” to my CW knowing full well it’s just one of her normal sweaters.
[on the way home]
Me: I have some tea to share with you
13, looking super confused: can, can I have it?
Me: no, tea as in like gossip
13: what, what brand is that?
Her : I wanna be held
Me : Accountable or Hostage?
boss: why are you so late?
me: why are you so obsessed with me?
Me: Do that thing I like
Him: [panics because I’m very inconsistent]
7-year-old: I found a penny.
Me: Good job.
7: How many more do I need for college?
I can’t keep up with all of these fake national holidays. So on that note, Happy Merry Brother Sister Taco Baby Mama Daddy Cat Dog Ice Cream Day. Oh and Peanut Butter
If parenting has taught me anything, it’s that you only give your toddler as much juice as you’d like to see on the floor
Science says 99% of dust in your home is flakes of human skin but in my home it’s mostly microscopic potato chip crumbs.
Why couldn’t the cyclops spell Hawaii?
Because it requires two i’s.
Relationship status:
I ran out of toilet paper a week ago.
Update:
I am now running out of paper towels.
Don’t let anyone treat you like a red flag, you’re the whole damn red carpet baby
I’m really tired of the LED headlights on some cars.
I’m really glad you can see 80 miles ahead, but the rest of us are blind now!
Me to Gonzo: Stop chasing after her! She’s toxic!
Gonzo: You don’t even know her, Mom!
Me: Well, I know she’s a toad.
it’s so beautiful today i think i’ll take my ps5 outside
Him: I got 99 problems but you ain’t one.
Her: Just wait.
[2 friends fighting at Denny’s]
Chicken: *gritting teeth* I’ll have the bacon
Pig: *staring down the chicken* And I’ll be having the EGGS!
The older I get, the more excited I become about the possibility of getting a motorized scooter.
Where it all went wrong
Me: Oh I love your hair, you look like a different person.
Her: Is that what you want?
Boss: “Do you know why I called you in here?”
Me: “To see if I can read minds?”
If I’m flirting, you’ll know it by how uncomfortable you become.
I can count on my hook how many hands I’ve lost.
Coffee in the morning
More coffee at night
Coffee in the afternoon
Unless you wanna fight
“Huge hole found growing on surface of Sun”
*drops string cheese*
“This hole is no cause for alarm”
*picks up string cheese*
Hotel garbage cans are way too small.
How the hell am I supposed to fit my 8 take out containers, 5 empty bottles of wine, and cake tin in there?!
do you guys realize there’s a planet in our solar system entirely inhabited by robots