[plot twist] ur buried vertically
You Might Also Like
My 7yo: Mom, were you alive in the one-thousands?
Me: What?
7yo: The ONE-THOUSANDS
Me: *dawning realization* Yes…..yes I was born in the one-thousands. In the 1980’s.
7yo: WHOA 🤯
I may make a lot of typos when I text, but in my defense, I do have to look at the road sometimes.
What if Tony soprano was holding a cat like The Godfather but the cat is Garfield
i’m just a girl, standing in front of a fan, talking into it so i sound like a robot.
“It’s raining men. Hallelujah.”
-The lesser known 11th plague that God sent to the Egyptians
one time my grandma used an american express traveller’s check to buy a whole frozen horse
JUDGE: I hereby sentence you t-
PENGUIN COURT REPORTER: *angrily smashing keyboard with flippers* CAN YOU GUYS SLOW DOWN A BIT
I was reading a book with my 7yo where a teacher was getting married and INVITED ALL HER STUDENTS and then the students started SECRETLY PLANNING THE WEDDING to help out and I was so stressed out like “wtf, how is this gonna pan out, these kids don’t know how to hire a band”
[street]
ME: “What if I park here?”
PARKING OFFICER: *writing a ticket* “Fine by me”
That’s me in the corner eating beef gravy with a fork
villain: ironic that the one who shot you is your English professor!
me *dying*: actually it’s coincidental
v *tearing up*: …you passed
The first Hobbit movie was half the book. The second, about a quarter. In the sixth instalment, the group has a 3 hour breakfast and a nap.
I’ll get a 5-mile queue at my coffin but it will be all collection agencies making sure I’m really dead.
I am absolutely no good at dumping people. I couldn’t even bring myself to switch drycleaners until my old one died…
goddammit a coworker followed me on twitter.
i’m not talking about you barbara you’re super cool.
her: i like a guy that can last long 😉
me, a piece of flavored gum: shit
Somehow I managed to lock myself out of my laundry room. I don’t know the last time I was this happy.
Sentences sound better with “motherfucker.”
Before: “You sir, are a vile, despicable person. I am angry.”
After: “Dis motherfucker…”
[road trip]
Child: I spy with my little eye…something with a huge bald spot and-
Me: PLAY SOMETHING ELSE
No, no, I didn’t need to talk to a customer service representative, thanks. I just wanted to hear some terrible music.
“We’ve got to stop meeting like this,” I say to the neighbor’s cute golden retriever after climbing the fence to pet him.
FRIEND: it’s all about picking your battles
[later]
WIFE: i can’t believe you ju-
ME: *holds up hand* i choose gettysburg
I guess if macaroni had to be named after a body part, elbow was better than some other options.
i dont understand why two people reaching into the same bag of snacks at the same time is considered romantic. like excuse me you are in the way of my snacks
Take your kids to see Santa so they can learn how to sit on a strange man’s lap in return for gifts.
not for long
“Daddy will u tuck me in?:)”
“Ok”
*tucks him in*
“Daddy sing me a song:)”
“Ok”
*clears throat*
LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR LET THE BODIES H
Everyone’s a gangster until you have to chase a plastic bag that the wind took.
Something Saturday.