My 3 year old is singing the rare 19 hour version of “Let It Go”, using only 3 words.
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good morning to every english teacher who woke up this morning like “today’s the day I assign a short story that will haunt them till the day they die”
Roses are red,
violets are blue,
this poem is overused,
just like your mum.
Listen, I’m as surprised as you are that I have no murderous ex-lovers, but I was gifted (and/or cursed) with the ability to leave someone so tenderly they’re left thinking it was their idea, and wondering why they ever let me go.
I wonder if Houdini ever locked himself out of the house.
Had to quit my Uber Eats job, turns out they keep track of how many orders you report “flew out the window,” and “all of them” is too many.
[Stock market crashes]
“Oh no, I better check on my investments!”
*opens cupboard over top of the sink*
[1000s of Shrek dvds fall out]
My wife and kids are away so it’s just me in the house and I was just awoken at 1:45 a.m. by the Alexa in the other room saying, “Sorry, I didn’t catch that.”
VERY ANNOYED. My enemy keeps playing Hulk Hogan’s theme song b4 I enter rooms. People then expect Hulk Hogan & are disappointed when it’s me
Having a Twitter account is the equivalent of running away to join the circus.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a toddler, asking her to eat her own damn breakfast instead of mine
babe are you okay??? you’ve barely touched your chromatica limited edition curry
[first day as a masseuse]
Me: [closing book] “…& they all lived happily ever after”
Customer: “That’s not what I meant by ‘happy ending'”
It’s beginning to look a lot like *Christmas.
*the kids are doing what they’re told so I stop threatening to return their gifts.
Ok I just started watching House M.D.:
1 Does everyone gang up and beat House’s other leg?
2 does a rival Token come in to challenge Omar?
Today I learned not all people are appreciative of vetriloquism. Especially my gynecologist.
mumsnet is amazing
I was up at 3:30am today and now I am required by Dad Law to bring it up in every single conversation at work today
Please don’t block me. 🤣🤣🤣
“I got a kitten and it scratches me a lot.”
-Lame
-basic
-victim mindset“I hired a tiny, freelance, in-house acupuncturist.”
-cool!
-impressive
-sounds wealthy
I only hug people so I can stick my hands in their pockets and search for snacks.
Me typing: univrsity
Autocorrect: Hey I caught a typo.
Me: Haha oops.
Autocorrect: You meant to say “U never city”
Me: Why would I say that?
Autocorrect: I fixed it and sent it to your dad.
My sense of humour has been described as “oh god..” and “please stop, this is a funeral”.
if you have ‘on that grind’, or ‘never stop grinding’ in your bio I am assuming that you are a sausage maker and i will have a dozen mild italian.
Them: Here’s a vague event invitation.
Me: I’m gonna need more info to work out if it’s accessible – food options, how many people going, is it indoors, COVID precautions…
Them: No worries if you can’t make it. [No further info provided].
Me: Thanks. I guess 🫠.
Are iPads supposed to be red with two white knobs on the bottom?
It’s a beautiful day! The grill is going, I have a beer in my hand, the manager of this Walmart is yelling something wtf does he want
Do you realize that if real women had the same proportions as Barbie they’d be only 11.5 inches tall?
Did I say feelings? I meant uhhh sandwiches. I have sandwiches for you.
I needed some gas for my mower so I snuck over to my neighbor’s shed, on the gas can there was a note that said it’s empty go get your own gas Marc. So I took his mower instead.
“My name will live forever!” – Anonymous.