I do not envy the youth. Imagine starting college in the year 2022: you’re totally pumped, can’t wait for the best 4 years of your life, and then you find out….your roommate is really into crypto.
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My daughter is grounded for eternity and she just asked me the life expectancy of an adult male who smokes cigarettes and drinks too much coffee…
Me: How many legs does the dog have?
4 y.o: Five
Me: There’s something wrong with your counting.
4: There’s something wrong with the dog.
31 years old, still bitterly disappointed by what “carpool” means.
If you love someone, let them go. If they come back, it’s because no one else wanted them.
No bullshit, if any color is unemployed, its maroon
The date was going horribly until I brought out my tambourine.
PALM READER: *reading my palm* Eggs, milk, flour-
ME: *laughing* Sorry, that’s my shopping list. Try the other palm.
PALM READER: I can see from your life line that you have a passion for cake baking.
ME: *gasps* How can you tell?
If my reaction to seeing a spider is anything like the rest of yours, we are not going to fare well as a species when aliens invade
Today my 12 year old went back into a room to switch off a light, so never give up on your dreams
I’ve consumed so much raw cookie dough the Pillsbury Doughboy made a pass at me.
[Baseball game]
ME: [giggle] I love how they named the positions in the game after the bases of sex
HIM: What? No, baseball came first
ME: ok I’m pretty sure sex came before baseball
My daughter asked me if the tooth fairy would only give money for *her* teeth and I’m a little concerned
The very existence of a flying mammal is intrinsically insulting to a flightless bird. Hence the huge animosity involved in The Penguin vs Batman.
grandparents reading the obituaries is the original checking friends’ timelines to see what they’re up to
No, it’s totally fine grandma. Nobody else needs to use the stairs today
Everything on my bucket list comes with french fries.
Reason 5,746 why parents drink- my kids are fighting over whose horse is going faster on the same merry-go-round
Do I hate when people answer their own questions? Yes.
Why was the picture sent to prison?
It was framed.
My family gather round while the lawyer quietly reads my will. He hands out 1 hot dog each and when they finish eating he asks them to leave
ME: *trying to fit in* I ALSO don’t fly.
PENGUINS: *shuffling about while trying to keep their distance*
ZOOKEEPER: Sir, get out of the pen.
*3:27 am. batman rubs his eyes as he slowly walks up & switches off the giant spotlight that’s creating the bat signal in the sky. he turns to the crowd*
what do you guys want now?
My 5 year old took a single bite out of 10 mini croissants. His older brother denied he had anything to do with it. Under questioning, we found out his older brother simply said, “Wouldn’t it be funny if you took a bite out of all these?”
Breaking news:
I’m not vegetarian but there are certain animals I refuse to eat:
– rabbit
– raccoon
– most kinds of bear
– moth
– Mothman
– bee (but wasp is okay)
– coconut
– whatever animal “bologna” is from
Yesterday, myself, Miss 9 and husband were sat on a train in and around a man with a book entitled Surrounded by Idiots.
Want to annoy the man in your life? Pronounce MMA “mama”.
Me: “authenticity” is a weird concept with food. Most people would consider pizza to be more Italian than American. But the tomato only came to Italy in the 16th Century from, you guessed it, the Americas
Domino’s guy: please let me go, the app knows where I am
I didn’t have google maps growing up. The way you knew you were going the wrong way was by driving into a different state.
The number of decades in your age directly correlates to the days of recovery you need after a night out