Don’t worry when I get to heaven I’ll put in a good word for you guys
You Might Also Like
All parents share a common truth:
that children are wonderful, from the day they are born, til the day they can talk.
If you’re pure of heart you can put almost anything in the recycling
ME: wow your correct
FRIEND: *you’re
ME: -ions are presumptuous
Me: [has trouble opening up to people and making real, lasting connections my entire life]
My Kid: [makes 3 new friends and joins a gang on his first day of 4th grade]
I keep checking my bank account like a hungry person checking an empty refrigerator. Neither one is going to magically be full.
When gearing up for a mountain climbing adventure it is important to remember to no.
HOSTAGE: [on the phone] hey dad if i never see you again tell neil he still owes me forty bucks i don’t care if you keep it but i want it collected
He told me to strike while the iron is hot, like I know what an iron is.
My neighbors are having a terrible fight in the front yard. I mean hanging Christmas lights. Same.
Kids want to play with the box the toys come out of.
Men want to play with the box the kids come out of.
This is the last week you can threaten to cancel Christmas if your kids don’t do what you say; use it wisely.
Why would Sally sell seashells by the seashore? There are plenty there that are free. Just walk and you are bound to find at least 40. Idiot
If my last name was File I’d name my kid Petey F.
Here me out, Jurassic Barbie.
My favorite thing about eating at a traditional Italian restaurant is getting a side of pasta with my pasta
The Purge, but only for people who use their speakerphones in public.
Them: for a million dollars would you-
Me: I’m gonna stop you right there because you probably don’t want to know what I’m willing to do for a million dollars
90% of the men who cheat and get caught give bad name to the rest 10% who only cheat.
” I made my famous dip for the office party”
You’re a regular Abe Lincoln.
“But he wasn’t a chef”
Exactly
I think Tuesdays are worse than Mondays.
You can’t use “It’s Monday” as an excuse.
“Yeah, well your dog isn’t a rescue, your snacks are processed and everyone knows you’re vaccinated” – how a kid talks shit in 2015
when someone tries to make you take a photo facing the sun bc it’s good lighting
Not to brag but my wife bought toothpaste because she thought it was almost empty and I squeezed out paste for two more months.
I keep having to put away a lot of shoes for a family who hasn’t gone anywhere in 7 weeks.
“I don’t see color.”
-dogs
My favorite thing to do in cities is walk down busy sidewalks, pass by people, and say into my phone “Target is on the move.”
A relationship so stable you can buy concert tickets 4 months in advance >>
Wow, pretty rude for people to exist that are younger & hotter than me but OK
(2022)
Lowes can be picky, they refused my coupon. Some lame excuse about written in crayon