Don’t know if my mother-in-law is talking about a Netflix show she likes or a family member she hates and she’s so deep into the story I don’t think she knows either.
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Friend: Are you ok if I cook (whatever) tonight?
Me: Unable to contain happiness that someone else is cooking and cries.
When my kids were little they’d say the cleverest things to total strangers like, “My mom drove into the garage door when it was shut.”
Before I got an iPhone all I heard from my husband was how “intuitive” their products were. And I couldn’t help wishing they made spouses.
me: i’ll have the mouse for dessert
waiter: that’s mousse, sir
me: hmm, that’ll be too much
I’m fat, so when I get mad, I get massive aggressive.
It’s the little things that show you care. When she makes my sammich I always ask her if she wants a bite.
@Lottie_Poppie I’m at my ideal weight. If I was a baby blue whale
Nothing prepared me for the part of adulthood where you look like a baby deer learning to walk every time you get out of bed in the morning.
In my 20s: I’ll show them
In my 30s: I probably won’t show them
my date ended up being a mannequin
i was so embarrassed at the restaurant and then at the movies
How it started: How it’s going:
I did nothing wrong—I tried to do nothing and did it wrong.
[interview to be a spy]
interviewer: so tell me why you’re hereme: no
interviewer: very good
It’s better to clear out your fridge before the leftovers grow green hair, become sentient, and attack the closest major population center.
Let’s watch Star Wars and make out every time kylo ren looks broody
“There is a policeman in here and he will ARREST YOU.” And other inspirational things I say to my kids when we’re in public.
Why isn’t there an egg flavored Gatorade you cowards?
Just looked at a beautiful pink sunset and thought, “God I love London”, then remembered there is a sky everywhere and I’m paying half my salary to sleep 2 feet from my drying clothes
Whenever I have to sign something to send back to my kid’s school, I always worry they’ll think she forged it even though I try to use my best “grown-up” penmanship.
My surgeon said NO drinking for 24 hours, then we both laughed.
my immune system told me it’s a lover not a fighter
If a cop yells at you to GET DOWN just start twerking cause damn, dude, be more specific
According to my accountant, I’ll have to postpone my trip to Australia until the continents drift back together.
‘So Timmy, how did you fall into that well?’
‘Oh. I never fell in, I was p-
*sees Lassie do cut throat motion*
-was jumping in.’
When I was a kid, my siblings and I used to shove each other down the stairs in a laundry basket.
I remind my parents about these things when they try to give unsolicited advice.
It must be very traumatic for my wife to be at work knowing I’m home alone getting bread crumbs on the kitchen counter.
Let’s pray for her.
*holding a rattlesnake in each hand*
These are the angriest maracas I’ve ever played
Me: “I came to Twitter to be creative and express myself.”
Twitter: lol, you said “came”.
[being stared at by a bunch of guys as I bathe in an airport washroom] can someone get my back please?