I’m not a shout it from the rooftops kind of person, but I’ll write it on a post-it and leave it lying around for people to see.
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Rose: Paint me like your French girls.
Jack: With armpit hair?
A bad massage experience would be awaiting your masseuse, lying naked under the sheet, when you realize “Hey, this isn’t a spa, it’s a morgue!”
When you feel unsuccessful, keep in mind that there are professional Bigfoot hunters.
Good thing “you only live once” has really caught on otherwise we might all kill ourselves like it’s no big deal
I sleep with a knife under my pillow just in case someone breaks in my house with cake.
Me: *Trying to sneak to the fridge for a late night snack*
Hardwood floors: ALLOW ME TO SING YOU THE SONG OF MY PEOPLE
“We’re not buying another toy until Mommy gets laid!” might not be the most appropriate thing to yell in ToysRUs.
*strums guitar*
This is a little ditty I’ve been working on called “Stop putting nuts in the god damn brownies”
Hope you like it.
It wasn’t a crisis until my mother heard about it.
I’m going to try and be less of a people pleaser, is everyone ok with that?
[taking out my Diva Cup]
Dracula: you gonna drink that?
Sure, I miss the 80s. You know who really misses the 80s? Serial killers. No cameras, no developed forensics, no social media…
Dinner guests: (shifting uncomfortably in their seats)
Fun fact: The worst time to suffer a heart attack is while playing charades.
“Shut up or I’ll eat your lunch.” Bad fight script writing or okay parenting? You decide.
blessings are like coconuts
sometimes you get bonked on the head outta no where, like “what to heck is this furry bonk ball?! I hate it!”
but eventually you learn you can put a tiny umbrella, some rum and a krazy straw in there. now furry bonk ball is friend
Forget sexy talk. I want breakfast talk. Describe those waffles to me nice and slow.
walked into a screen door after seeing a bird fly into a glass window, this probably means something, probably something stupid
“Goodnight, don’t look at your phone too long”
“I won’t”2am on Wikipedia: “So *that’s* how they make bowling balls…”
ME: Honey.
ME: Honey.
ME: Honey!
HUSBAND: What?
ME: Yesterday was leg day and I can’t get off the toilet.
My neopet probably thinks I’m dead
The most romantic movie of all time is definitely Pixar’s UP. That old man really loved his house.
Actually, I’d rather you shut your talk-hole, not your pie-hole. If you have a hole that gives pie, I’m going in there, because HELLO PIE.
I was uninvited to “drop it” because we couldn’t hear Yoncé over my Rice Krispie knees.
Four year olds can’t even go for cigarettes or anything. Four year olds are useless.
‘I like mouse but I couldn’t eat a whole one’
– Our sodding cat
I love the Yakuza games. I wish Japan was real.
Don’t you just hate it when you order a book called “Cooking with children” and none of the recipes involves them as an ingredient?
Her: My computer is running so slow!
Me: Really? How many browser tabs do you have open?
Her:
Me: Is it less than 500?
Her: Never mind.
me: tries to get every last possible drop out of a shampoo bottle so as not to waste any
also me: rinses away half a bar of soap to get a single hair off of it