My family is playing Monopoly so no it won’t be a silent night
You Might Also Like
Pro-tip to avoid corona-virus
Eat garlic.
Lots of garlic.
It won’t do anything against the virus, but it will keep other people away.
Big Foot rental costumes are surprisingly realistic and terrifying at 4am around the bonfire at the party I wasn’t invited to.
I’ll be like “I’m just gonna go take a quick look around the bookstore” and come back weeks later in flowing white robes having defeated a Balrog
Me: HAIL SATAN!!
Her: What?
Me: I mean, your sister is on the phone.
God: you’re really fast.
Deer: ok.
God: so whenever you sense danger I want you to-
Deer: run away right?
God: no, just [freezes in place].
Deer: got it wait-what?
God: you know just [freezes in place again].
The main reason I don’t own a gun is because I would shoot people who scare me when they sneeze.
To be fair to Justin Bieber if I had more than $75 I would act the way he does
They should put a statue of me next to the Statue of Liberty so immigrants know the American Dream is hit or miss.
[First day as a doctor]
Patient: *throwing up blood*
Me: Ewwww. Why did you eat that?
dropping acid is irresponsible like damn bro don’t be so clumsy
Being married means never having to say you’re angry. You can clearly articulate it just by the way you breathe.
Me: What’s your strongest weakness?
Candidate: …
*Realises stupid question & thinks of cover up
M: It’s a trick question. You’re hired!
“what’s your most cherished memory keith?”
[looks at my wife and baby in crowd with loving smile]
[leans into mic]
i heard a dog laugh once
It’s the year 2057, humans are shaped like candy canes from years of looking down at their phones. Striped-clothing is always in fashion.
At what point in listening to your kid whine can you say, “Sorry. This relationship isn’t working out. You should start seeing other moms.”
#dnd #ttrpg
My kids teach frat boys how to trash houses.
“You’ll never get the butt you want by sitting on the one you have.”
-Maya Angelou
When one door closes, I lock it.
I’m not chancing someone else getting in.
host: welcome to Are You Faster Than a 5th Grader.
me: faster?
Braden: [has a chainsaw]
As soon as I finish building this trebuchet, I, too, shall be a flight risk
Yes, milk from cows tastes nice. But to the person that first found that out..you have issues bro
if cat not enjoy being held… why baby sized?
A penny for your thoughts, a dollar if you keep them to yourself.
Just remembered this meme I made back in May of 2020.
My girlfriend once made me change because I was wearing green pants with a blue shirt. “You look like the earth,” she said.
[party]
me: ugh who invited that guy, he’s so childishher: he’s 7 and it’s his birthday
It’s funny how your tweets are funnier now that I know you’re hot.
-everyone on Twitter
Yesterday our neighborhood hairdresser was arrested for selling drugs. I was her customer for 10 years. I had no idea she was a hairdresser.
A new study found the safest city to travel to is Tokyo, Japan. Unless, of course, you’re a dolphin.