wife: the turn was back there
me: i know that, k- omg, i almost called you karen. i’ve been on twitter too much
wife: my name is karen
me: ughh this is different, karen
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“You’re a rather handsome woman” isn’t a great opener on Tinder apparently
Swim up bars combine my two favorite things. Drinking and peeing in hotel pools.
A cannibal passes a Girl Scout cookie stand. “How many girl scouts are these cookies made of?” he asks with a large smile on his face.
“it says on ur resume that ur good at saying unexpected things?”
yes i am.
…
“but i thougt u were gona say something unexp– oh wow ur good”
Avril Lavigne is the lead singer of Maroon 5 right
Hey good news everyone : the history test I spent all night tossing and turning about, ended up being just a dream, as I graduated from high school 12 years ago
Last Minute Gift Idea:
Chew with your mouth closed.
when i find out there’s a cat at the party but they’re locked in the bedroom
Friend: Would you ever get a tattoo?
Me: Never
Him: You’re afraid to make a permanent mistake.
Me: *looks at my 4 kids* Way ahead of you.
EVERY picture my husband takes of me is like
Son: My pencil is stuck in this Spirograph.
Me: So, you’re having an exitstencil crisis?
me: raises hell
Hell: put me back down!
By today’s standards the butts in Sir Mix-a-Lot’s video weren’t really that big.
He liked medium butts.
So he lied.
Preemptively looking in the fridge to see if my wife might need anything from the store in order to decide if I’m going to let her know that I’m going to the store or just sneak out.
Hey I know I said never to text me again and I hope you die, but do you remember the name of that movie where the one sister is murdered and the other takes on her identity?
As a wife and mother my hobbies include rage cleaning, rage cooking, and rage folding.
bugs when you lift up a rock
Parenting is a lot like a Tarantino film. Lot of questions and violent screaming.
I made garlic mashed potatoes and there isn’t a vampire for miles that is brave enough to come near us.
People that use big words, but not in the right context, are just trying to be ambidextrous.
Asian women look 16 forever and one day out of nowhere look 159 years old.
Give me a few strong men, and I’ll build a nation. Give me a few hot women, and I’ll conquer the world.
marie kondo: does this object bring you joy?
me, looking longingly at a piece of scrap metal in the basement that i could possibly use for something someday: hell yeah it does
Carpenter Ants: Very industrious
Army Ants: Extra militant
Fire Ants: Drop dope AF mixtapes
[High school reunion]
Me: I’m in the army now.Friend: I thought you were either going to be a referee or an attorney.
Me: Yeah I couldn’t decide between boxers and briefs so I went commando
Every Crock-Pot recipe:
– throw in anything you have left in the house
– cook three to eleven hours.
*first date*
Me: They keep saying we’re destroying the ocean, but you know what the ocean is? Just one big toilet. Two parts water, eight parts feces. All that marine life taking ten craps a day then swimming in each other’s shit for a lifetime.
Waiter: Madam, your sea bass.
My therapist insisted i try something new each week…
…so i haven’t paid her
Now we wait…
I have caller ID for the front door.
If you don’t call me first, I am NOT answering the door.