Oh. My. God.
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Me: What’s the word for a female scientist?
Him: A scientist?
Me: No, a ‘ResearcHER,’ Haha get it?
Him: I get that we’re never going on a second date
I just put my flamethrower in my car and my neighbor saw me. This is gonna be a wonderful day.
Typing
your tweets
like this doesn’t
make them
poems.
Forty is the new thirty!
At least it is according to the loan shark to whom I now owe an additional ten grand.
6-year-old: *finds a picture she drew* Why was this in the trash?
Me:
6:
Me: It was too good. I didn’t want to make your sisters jealous.
Stranger: Where did you get peanut butter scented sunscreen?
Me: Sunscreen?
*adds resume embellisher to resume*
Your leftovers looking at you from the back of the fridge as you order Postmates again
ME: You coming to the party?
FRIEND: Will it be rad?-
M: -ish.
F: I guess I’ll come.
[Later at the radish party]
F: I think I misunderstood
The USS B port
Looking for a get well soon card but they’re all so inspirational and sappy why not something simple like “I hope you make it through this but if not say what’s up to god for me”
We need a Disney princess who’s a greedy profiteer so we can cheer for the poison apple.
[Watching boxing]
Sure bro, I watch boxing all the ti- HEY DID YOU SEE WHAT HE JUST DID?! HE JUST PUNCHED THAT GUY! SOMEONE CALL THE COPS!
Men who claim to only watch the #SuperBowl for the ads are the same ones who say they only read Playboy for the articles.
Lady paid me $50 to paint the name “Inspiration” on her boat because “that’s what she is”
Considering writing “The Sea Word” instead.
[puts puppy in microwave]
[googles instructions for making hotdogs]
[quickly releases puppy from microwave]
In the new Star Wars film, Han Solo goes to Chewbacca’s home planet and discovers that all the other Wookies wear pants.
I’m coaching my son’s soccer team because it’s important that he knows I’ll swear at other kids, too.
[reclining with sliced cucumber on my eyes]
My passengers: “Aaaaaaaaaaah!”
Instead of a promise ring, I wear an onion ring
I’m saving my appetite for something pure
Don’t eat my chocolate. I’ll be back Monday.
*Batman pulls up to drive-thru*
“Large fries.”
“We’re serving breakfast sir.”
*destroys speaker with batarang*
“And I’m serving justice.”
oh sorry i cant im busy that day
breaking into your house and inventorying your pantry so you know what you need the next time you go to costco
He died doing what he did best, trying to get a croc to wear a Croc.
[1st date]
Him: What do you do for fun?
Me: I like pretending I’m someone else.
Him: Wow? You do impersonations?
Me: No, I steal identities.
I didn’t choose this melted cheese and tortilla chip life, it na-chose me
Welcome to your 40’s: the waitress is not hitting on you dude.
If life gives you raisins, there’s not much you can do.
Apparently you can’t sell your eggs if you’ve been diagnosed with depression so I guess none of these people want funny kids