Wish the trash would take me out for once.
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“You have such a great personality”
Me: Thanks, I collect them.
Morning sex is the most important imaginary sex of the day.
Pulling my treadmill out of the closet after an 11 month vacation, I’m pretty sure I heard it say “not this again.“
Wife: I took a pregnancy test
Me: positive?
Wife: yes Graham, I’m sure I pissed on a stick
Select the reason for canceling your order:
◽️Item(s) would not arrive on time
◽️Need to change shipping address
☑️ I was drunk
I’ve received so many Christmas cards from people I don’t know this year, probably because they weren’t addressed to me.
If you ever get chased by a pack of taxidermists…
Never, ever, play dead.
I think tonight while my wife is asleep I’m going to pull on the satin ribbon she’s worn around her neck ever since the day I met her. What’s the worst that could happen. One lil tug
If you have a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle: Take two, and KEEP AWAY FROM CHILDREN.
There is nothing in the world that lowers your IQ faster than trying to use someone else’s coffee machine.
5yo: Daddy, what’s a facial?
Me: Your brother.
5yo: I don’t have a brother!?
Me: Exactly!
Titanic, but with literally thousands of cats.
Friend: we’re going to Mexico this summer!
Me: I just bought a sensible lavender cardigan on clearance at Target, Jessica. I really don’t have time for your drama.
My kids found their Kit Kats then accused me of hiding them. Like WTF, how shameful are these kids to go in to my closet?
I seduce the ladies with my encyclopedic knowledge of dung beetle larvae.
nothing draws me into a true-crime show more than finding out it’s set in my town
“Omg, I know where that is!!”
Who says Republicans aren’t into recycling?
Mitt Romney’s thinking of running for President, again.
“I just bought a kitchen stove, but you know, you can never have too many of those. I should buy one for every room in the house.” -how Amazon believes people think
I don’t always go outside but when I do I hit my forehead really hard on a shelf to make sure I look like an idiot.
I don’t need David Attenborough narrating animals I need Danny DeVito narrating divorce court
I see what percentage you guys leave your phones on, how the hell are you gonna expect electric cars to get you anywhere.
Me: can you call me an Uber? It’s too far to walk and it’s getting dark
My spouse: … it’s our mailbox. At the end of our driveway.
Costume idea:
Dress up like milkshake, wait in the yard.
My ex got me one of those mermaid tail blankets and when I told my mom she said I don’t need to hear about your perverse sexual proclivities and I think of this often
-currently looking for an adult
-Realizing I’m an adult
-Now looking for an older adult
-Someone successful at adulting
-An adultier adult
I like to keep my husband on his toes by texting, “How could you do this to me?” at least 2 times per day.
I’m still in disbelief that 9/11 coincidentally happened on September 11 (9/11)
Mrs. Kowalski left the class mortified, unable to believe just how badly she’d misinterpreted what they had meant by Pole dancing.