If you get an email at work from my cat with an attachment delete it
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god forbid anyone in my family is kidnapped, the kidnapper will bark complicated instructions thru a tube sock on the phone and hang up, i’m on the other end saying huh i gotta do what now
what is the evolutionary advantage of depression, you ask? well what if our ancestors didn’t get the plague because instead of hanging out with people, they were bumming out at home
Stepped on the scale to get a status update and up 5lbs.
However I worked out for the first time last night so I assume it’s muscle
The possibility of there being cake will greatly affect my interest and/or possible involvement.
I found an extra $9 in the bank! Get dressed baby we’re going to Little Caeser’s!
Be the reason why you need two priests at your exorcism.
Nothing snaps a woman into full blown CSI mode faster than an unfamiliar ponytail holder in her car.
After killing a spider I wrap the web around his neck and hang him from the wall to make it look like a suicide.
Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping, and the other third making viral videos.
Stop telling your kid “We’re leaving in 5 minutes.” They have no idea what that means. Nor do they care
As the rain pelts down on the window I am simultaneously happy I don’t have to go water the garden and pissed because I just washed the car.
I try to live my life everyday as if it were my last. And who wants to do laundry on their last day? Not me…
The greeter at my local Walmart is terrible at karate
Millennial: OMG, you don’t even know how to make a gif? That’s so tragic to me right now. Can you at least make a meme?
Me: I own a house.
Sometimes I think my toddlers are smart
Other times they throw tantrums because they get their fingers stuck
In their other hand
Your birth certificate is your very first participation trophy.
HER: NNNNNNNN
ME: [gently rolling her onto her side]
HER: ZZZZZZZZ
The downside of DVR is getting freaked out by tornado warnings from four days ago
When McDonalds drive thru say they ain’t got what you want but youre stuck in the line- is this the walk of mcshame?
The five stages of camping:
1- Denial: “No, we’re not going”
2- Anger: “I hate camping!”
3- Bargaining: “If we stay home I’ll cook waffles”
4- Depression: “Fine. Whatever”
5- Acceptance: “This isn’t so bad. I don’t know why you were complaining”
A group of held hands can raise your spirits.
It’s séance!
Something good is coming my way I can feel it. Nothing life changing, probably just a hotdog
God please let it be a hotdog
baby cows are called calves bc it’s half a cow. half cow. calf. no more questions
*getting ready for bed*
Me: Oh did you lock the front door?
Burglar: I’ll go check it
Me: Thanks hon
Wife:
Kentucky names the shit out of places
please tell me this song is literally about cheesecake and nothing else
Wife: Where did all this glitter come from?
Me: Jake, at State Farm.
(pretending to be well-read to impress a girl)
War and Peace? Yeah I loved that one
“What was your favorite part?”
I’d have to say the Peace
me: I need to borrow a math textbook
librarian: edition?
me: and subtraction if you have it
– How was school?
4: Trenton said his dad likes to go outside and fight lions
– laughs
– oh honey– nobody would name their kid Trenton