people are like ooohhh you’re twice divorced? yes. i like getting divorced, ok?
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Him: you look tired today
Me: you look like you need a mouth that says better sentences
It’s not Christmas until I see Snoopy eating 37 human femurs.
Perhaps Nicki Minaj just lost a series of bets.
“It’s not my fault I keep losing my gloves.”
– a kid whose fault it most definitely is-
me [to snail on ceiling]: ah ure a cute lil guy how’d u get up there?
snail: I just want to die pls why do I have to be so sticky
narrator: Phoebe outstretches her arms to appear bigger and ward off the door-to-door salesman
Is someone who’s bound by ropes in a cannibals basement considered tie food?
Hypnotist: you’re feeling very sleepy
Parents: omg yes
DATING TIP: Any time someone is hot and you’re too scared to approach them, remind yourself that they’ve probably had diarrhea at some point
I’m thinking about giving that Call of Duty game a shot, but first I’m gonna try one last time to get past level 4 on Duck Hunt.
What are people in motels doing that they need such a steady and reliable source of ice?
morpheus: take the blue pill AND the red pill and i’ll show you how deep the rabbit hole goes
me: they both taste exactly the same
morpheus: *waving skittles packet* RIGHT?
me: OH MY GOD
me: oh… exhibition game
rest of the basketball team: would you PLEASE put some clothes on
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single poor decision in a pub and I’m starting to think this guy isn’t even a real Uber driver.
I just checked Amazon again and they still don’t sell fire-breathing dragons. I’m a Prime member, this is bullshit.
my kid has a friend over for the first time in more than a year and i overheard them say “i missed you,” and was moved with how emotionally open they were being until i walked in the room and saw they were playing battleship
Me: You’ve dimmed the lights already, aren’t we forward?
* smiles suggestively *
Optometrist: Just read the letters on the screen.
Me: How much does this crate of Chinese dumplings weigh?
Guy: One ton
Me: I know what they’re called, I’m asking if they’re heavy
I don’t know why people complain about growing out short hair. It’s a passive process. You just let it happen, and don’t look in the mirror for 10-12 months. Easy peasy.
Gangs should do drive-bys with t-shirt guns it’d be less violent & the shirt could say “you suck” so the target still gets the message
If they don’t want me to ash on the floor,maybe they should put some ashtrays in this gym
if you’re a shakespeare character your chances of getting mauled by a bear while a clown watches are low but never zero
Cat is stressing him out.
“ARE YOU LISTENING TO ME OR NOT?”
“What are my choices again?”
Keep your marriage fresh by taking a scenic drive so you can argue with a beautiful view.
I’m haunted by my grandmother saying “apple pie without cheese is like a kiss without copping a feel”
I would love to live a sober life but then I’d be giving my MIL a reason to like me…
7yo: You know if you didn’t have kids you could turn my room into a tea room.
So now we know her plans after I die.
just got my engagement photos