I’m so happy that I got rid of my $250 cable so I can spend $500 on streaming services.
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4yo: What do you love most in the world?
Me: You & your brother
4yo: Oh
Me: What about you?
4yo: The fire tree in Plants vs. Zombies
Me: Oh
I see it’s garbage day on twitter again.
Too bad mosquitos are not into human fat the way they are into human blood
Nothing says you’re over your ex like showing up at his wedding with a bride and groom voodoo doll.
Boss: Have I made myself clear?
Me: No, I can still see you.
Boss: Shakes head.
Me: I need to make better life choices.
Also me: CAKE FOR BREAKFAST IT IS.
Oh, so breakfast in bed is luxurious, but when I eat breakfast, lunch, and dinner in bed, suddenly it’s “depression”
Me: If you pay a mime enough, they’ll talk
The other mimes at the protest: [visibly furious]
Coworker: What are those chocolate coins you guys get on Hanukkah called?
Me: Gelt.
Coworker: Guilt?
Me: No, Jews get that all year round.
My sister FaceTimed me this morning and I answered hungover and obviously not looking the best and all she did was start laughing really hard at my face and then goes “ugh thank you I needed that!” then just hung up
Fun trick: Swap guacamole with wasabi, then watch.
Good morning to everyone except the people who prefer the taste of margarine over butter.
I guess my package was delivered by Disney animals
Me: [walking through front door]
4: Is it storming outside?
Me: Yeah it is buddy.
4: Did you get hit by lighting?
Me: Nope I’m all safe-
4: Why not?
I don’t know what upsets me more, the fact that that guy stole my tweet or that he only got 2 retweets off of it
[Speed Date]
Me: Hi. Could you show me on this Venn Diagram where alcohol & donuts overlap in your daily life?
Him: I..
Me: Too slow. NEXT!
My granddad just said if I was having trouble getting rid of coffee stains on my teeth I should soak them in Clorox. I had to remind him that my teeth don’t come out
It’s never been safer to eat the rich, at least you know they’re getting tested regularly
My wife wants me to stay on twitter because she doesn’t want me to tell her 10 jokes a day.
When a person says a book is so good they can’t put it down, but yet, are not holding that book.
This is why I have trust issues.
[interrogation]
“What do u do for a living?”
Jewel thief.
“Louder for the tape.”
[leans in]
Cool beef. I bring hot beef down in temperature.
Driving in Europe vs Canada
dinosaur: omg a meteor
tyrannosaurus clark kent: *trying really hard to remove his glasses with his stupid little arms*
I’m about to lose 20 pounds.
*Releases the weight of everyone’s expectations off my shoulders.
Friend: Get anything for Valentine’s Day?
Me: Chocolate-covered strawberries and wine.
Friend: Did you get him anything?
Me: No, I spent all my money on my strawberries and wine.
If I were a cop, I’d focus on the people going the speed limit. They’re the ones with something to hide.
by this time next year, Ariana Grande’s eyelashes will be so long that male peacocks will challenge her for dominance
Me: Green please
God: All goneMe: Hazel then
God: Also goneMe: Blue
God: GoneMe: Whatever, just make them big
God: DoneMe: *looks down* I meant my eyes, you dummy
I went to a singles event once. I didn’t see one slice of Kraft cheese.
I consider that false advertising.
coach: what are you doing???
me: you said do 50 singles
coach: singles means jump rope, not 50 tacos
me, mouth full of tacos: wull ith’s too late now brad!