Can Happiness buy money?
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Operator: 911 what’s your emergency?
Me: PEOPLE ARE TAGGING ME IN PICTURES ON FACEBOOK AND I’M NOT EVEN IN THEM!
What does it mean when your doctor slaps the beer from your hand?
Just heard a lady yell at her kid “Put the god damn present for your god damn father in the cart!”
Happy, happy holidays.
Parenting is being woken up at midnight to answer “mumma if sharks don’t have bones how do they have skeletons?”
In high school I only played the trombone so I could hit people and make it look like an accident.
Starve a cold. Feed a fever. Humiliate a rash. Flatter a migraine. Friendzone diarrhea. Date cramps. Bring anxiety home to meet the family.
I love sleeping, mainly because I get a break from sucking my gut in.
me: my new book is fantastic
friend: can i borrow it when you’re done?
me: you can’t color it in twice
Today my toddler is crying because he doesn’t have his stuffed animal. That he put in the fridge. And yelled at me for trying to take it out.
The wife and I decided we’re gonna try and have another baby so now she’s distracting the hospital security guy while I sneak in
“I’m dreaming about mashed potatoes”
Oh because Thanksgiving is tomorrow
“No, just a normal mashed potato dream like usual”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“MOOSE!!!”
“Alright, who said the Canadian kid could play?!?!”
toddler [getting ready to jump off the bed]
wife: Do something
me *takes phone out to record it*
wife: Do something else
[I appear in 1985]
SCIENTIST: I have summoned you from the future with my time machine. What can you tell me of the years to come?
ME: Uh…hmm…uh…
SCIENTIST: You can’t think of anything?
ME: *snaps fingers, points at scientist* Nelly Furtado is like a bird
When a black guy pulls a knife on me on the subway I remind him he doesn’t have to feed into racial stereotypes. Then I usually get stabbed.
The divorce rate is almost at 60%. How does Cupid keep his job with that level of failure?
Wife “WHY ARE THERE MUDDY FOOTPRINTS ALL OVER THE HALL?”
[Me while trying to push a zebra up into the attic] Must be that damn dog again…
My dog is sleeping soundly now that I’ve removed myself from his king sized bed.
My kids will be late to school even if we lived inside the school
good work, everybody
Every change you make in life starts with crafting clothes for nuns. It’s all about creating habits.
I bet when Kanye was little he played tag by himself, then argued with himself on whether he was tagged or not.
[going to bed]
Wife: I don’t have to get up so don’t wake me in the morning.
Me: Okay.[5 AM the next morning]
Me [waking wife up]: Hey I forget what you told me to do today.
[on game show]
Choose a door for a goat or a new car
“I’ll take door #2”
You’ve won the car!
*sees it’s a Kia*
“Can I have the goat instead”
I hate when I’m running on the treadmill for half an hour and look down to see it’s been 4 minutes.
ME: If I donate my body, will it be used for weird and gross sex experiments?
SCIENTIST: Of course not!
ME: Oh. Nevermind, then.
ME: So you could say I’m bad to the bone?
DOCTOR: Yeah, but we call it gangrene.
White people dance like they have an invisible hula hoop around their waist.
THERAPIST: you’re running from something. what do u think it might be?
[goose outside the window does throat-slitting motion]
ME: uh—failure
Biologist screws up:
Mutant killer virusPhysicist screws up:
Deadly black holeGeologist screws up:
Rock on table is now rock on floor