I don’t know if this would be classified as “unethical” but I have filled my neighbour’s eavestroughs with birdseed.
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It appears that late last night someone broke into the house and ate all the ice cream in the freezer. I’ve volunteered to lead the investigation but I doubt we’ll ever find the guy who did it
boss: can i see u in my office
me: [putting on camo jacket] i guess we’ll find out
*getting a deli sandwich*
person making sandwich: only 1 piece of cheese?
me: yes
person: u can have 3 pieces of cheese for the same price
me: that’s ok I’m good
person: it’s FREE cheese tho
me: I don’t want that much cheese
person: *yelling* ITS FREE CHEESE
At what ages do your kids who are 10 years apart stop fighting with each other? Because it’s not 19 & 9 😒
the first 10 minutes of going to anyone’s place in LA is them trying to calm down their dog while telling you this never happens
Sorry pregnant ladies, all of your 3D ultrasounds look like Gollum in an Ikea lampshade.
HOST: Welcome to “Die or Get Killed” the game show that no one survives
ME: Glad to be here, Mort
How much for the Ice Cream Scoop?
Ma’am, that’s a Shovel.
tis the season
[Me as a hairdresser]
ME: What do u think of your haircutHER: I need more volume
ME [leans in too close] WHAT DO U THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT
How to woo a woman
Morpheus: “You take the blue pill, the story ends. You wake up in your bed and–”
Me: “Blue pill.”
a dishwasher safe would have to be a really big safe
Son: You act like the dog is better than me.
Me: Sit
*dog sits immediately*
*son hesitates and then sits*Me: I rest my case
I usually roll around in the magazine aisle at Barnes and Noble before a date because I want to smell nice, but I’m on a budget.
My 7 year old was tapping away on my Mac tonight and told me he was writing a book. I think you’ll agree it’s one hell of an opening.
proctologist: [removing three nerf darts] do I have to ask
me: no you can have them
*at Pearly Gates
Cat (in dog costume): Uh bark
St. Peter: Mittens, I said no
The lady behind me in line was in a hurry to get out of the grocery store so I decided to write a check to pay for my stuff.
[before Toto]
Rain down in Africa: *sneezes*
If they’re going to advertise “Shots available now!” they really should specify if it’s needle or drinky.
Signatures are so unserious, just “pinky promise” for adults… write your name in a silly little way on this very important piece of paper so we that we can send you to jail if you do anything wrong
If you took the Facebook IQ Test and it determined you’re a Genius, the fact that you participated in a Facebook test negates the results.
Just stood on my porch and screamed “STOP IT!” at the top of my lungs and two doors over someone yelled back “K”.
Biden: I took a Staples red button & wrote “Nukes” on it
Obama: Joe!
Biden: Tweets to him in Russian when pressed
Customer Service: Are you ready for your confirmation number?
Me: Yup. *pretends to write it down*
CS: 683648AC4712.
Me: mmm hmm… Ok, got it!
CS: You want to repeat it back
to me?Me: No thanks *click*
The nurse said take everything off except bra and panties, but all I have under my dress is a tampon string I wish I could pull to parachute right outta here
Got a little bit lost in the woods. I’m putting everything into the clothes hamper in case of tics.
Heck, I’m going into the hamper too.
I think the saying “every man for himself” was made up by women tired of making sandwiches