I love the new #ObiWanKenobi poster but I also realized it totally works as a Tums ad.
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[First date]
Him:”Waiter!”
Waiter:”Sir?”
Him:”Could you check the toilets? My date has been gone 2 hours. Also, her coat has been stolen”
not sure why everyone acts like it’s so hard to make plans with your friends as an adult because my friend and I just planned our hangout tomorrow in 5 minutes and it only took us 3 months to find a day that works
How come nobody’s made an anti-depressant called “Les Miserables”?
[going to bed]
Wife: I don’t have to get up so don’t wake me in the morning.
Me: Okay.[5 AM the next morning]
Me [waking wife up]: Hey I forget what you told me to do today.
*runs away from Satan*
*runs towards cake*
There will be no screen names left for our children’s children.
A great summer prank is to park your car just outside the mall with a fully cooked ham in baby clothes strapped into a child seat.
You said clothes were 50% off
But not one woman in here is topless
That false advertising!
So I hear you like bad gals? What if I told you I left work three minutes early today?
him: damn girl you’re hot
me (menopausal): I know. it sucks
Some people just lack the ability to laugh at themselves. That’s where I come in.
I wonder if Houdini ever locked himself out of the house.
I’m so old that if I was a Care Bear, I’d be Medicare Bear.
[Driving by a massive pile up]
SON: Look at all the different colours of cars in the crash.
ME: It’s a collidascope.
SON:
WIFE: It’s too early in the day to hate you this much.
Empty out and clean a mace container.
Fill with water
Stare into the eyes of your enemies as you spray your own eyes and never blink
[ME]: *pointing up to the sky writer plane* it’s a message for you babe
[GF]: oh how romantic
[SKYWRITER]: KATE WILL YOU MA-
[GF]: omg yes i wi-
[ME]: wait keep watching
[SKYWRITER]: -KE SURE TO BUY THE NAME BRAND COCOA PUFFS NEXT TIME LIKE I ASKED YOU IDIOT
[in the world of chess]
kings: here’s a sword
bishop: what do i do with this? i can’t even run straight
I’m sick and my son just brought me tea and said let me know if you need anything else my queen so I bumped him up in the will and gave him ice cream for dinner.
I made a Tinder account for 1st time ever today for some blog research and it’s going pretty well.
Big brouhaha at the farmer’s market today when the fishstand guy set up next to the candle lady and no one could smell her candles and her boyfriend the homemade soap guy tried to intervene but ended up buying a fresh cut salmon.
Real estate agent: You can’t get cell phone calls out here.
Me: We’ll take it.
I was just giving my son a mini-lecture on the phone & he did the whole “Oh, you’re breaking up, I can’t hear you” thing.
I hope his new foster family is nice.
I’ll take ‘Liars’ for $500, Alex
“Sorry that’s not-”
Who is Karen?
“Sir-”
‘Cheaters’ for $1000
“Again that’s-”
*lips on mic* Who is Karen?
If you’ve ever wanted to take a tiny bag of poop on a tour of your neighbourhood, owning a dog might be right for you
her: *texts something funny*
me: *types hahahahaha*
*stares at it*
*deletes one ha*
My blow up doll has started wheezing and she’s loosing weight rapidly. Getting very concerned.
Every time my dentist is kind enough to tell me I need to floss, I am kind enough to tell him that he needs to trim his nostril hairs.
She was like “I’ll see you in hell” and I was like “omg I have a date”
Cable Guy: Can I come in your back door?
Me: Maybe for free HBO.
Cable Guy:
Me: I’m kidding…sort of…not really.
Cable Guy: