How Stella Got Her Goat Back #ReplaceAMovieTitleWithGoat
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Me: *steps up to the plate, spits, adjusts cup, taps helmet*
Waiter: is there a problem
PRIEST: the child is inhabited by the same evil spirit we crossed paths with!
CHILD [demon voice]: DON’T END A SENTENCE WITH A PREPOSSESSION
Good looking cop: do you know how fast you were going?
Me fluttering eyelashes:
How fast did you want me to be going?
Spending so much time together is reviving old grievances. my husband has new questions about the time I burned a large hole in his favorite pillow with the iron
ME: What would you like to name your new cat?
KID: Dog.
ME: But it’s a cat.
KID: That’s the cat’s problem.
terrifying if it really happened:
the kiss emoji with the heart coming out of the mouth
What do you hear?
If you could pick a super power what would it be? Mine would be eating a nutritious meal when I’m depressed
Has a coffee at 3:26 so I’m wide awake before the birds start their shit at 4:00.
Festival
Pretzel vendor: Pretzel, fair lady?
Me: No, thank you.
PV: *clutching chest dramatically* NO pretzel? You wound me! You break my heart, m’lady. I am shattered. I am IN DESPAIR!
Me: OMG stop that! Just give me the pretzel.
Pillow fights didn’t last as long in the Stone Age.
The world’s worst witness
Me: Then he tore off on some kind of donkey with round legs.
Police Officer: Do you think it might have been a motorcycle?
Me: You know, that’s probably what it was.
#ImNotWorriedCuz I’m into this
You think people who drink the energy drinks would have enough energy to put the cans in the bin rather than on the ground.
“So, is there a MRS. A-Z?” – Lady hitting on Jason Mraz
I meant to type : You’re dear to me.
I actually typed : You’re dead to me.
Losing friends is easy.
[holding a playstation controller while i watch Friends and pretending i’m controlling chandler]
1. Ice *check*
2. Ice *check*
3. Baby *calls 911*– Freezer Inspector –
[first date]
Me: why isn’t a boy ant called an uncle
Date: why isn’t a girl praying mantis called a praying womantis
*we do it right there*
after a certain point in life the “walk of shame” is about a plunger
Him: I wonder if this dealership is open.
Me: Are you stupid? The parking lot is full.
Son: I’m addicted to morphing
Dad: Oh God no, are you smoking it, injecting it?
Son: No Dad,not Morphine
Dad: what?
Son: *turns into bat
Teacher: You have one pie, there are four people who want pie, what percentage of the pie would you get?
Me: 100%
My resume is really just a list of shit I hope I never have to do again.
“so i was reading an article the other day” is code for “i saw this tiktok while i was sitting on the toilet”
My neighbours just submitted a petition that I stop setting traps for stray pigs after I caught my 16th police man today.
Greatest Fears:
-Sharks
-Ebola
-Bears
-Bear Sharks
-Bear Sharks with Ebola
-Sharks with Lazers
-Man carrying a clipboard on the sidewalks
[Restaurant]
“Good evening sir, would you like to hear the specials?”
Yes please
“THIS TOWN (AHH AHHH) IS COMIN LIKE A GHOST TOWN”
There’s no I in team but there is an I in marriage. There’s also ME, AA and RAGE.
Be honest, the only reason our generation played outside more as kids is because we had really shitty graphics back then.