born to say “are you f*****g stupid” forced to say “wow i’ve never thought about it like that before”
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MY WIFE DIVORCED ME BECAUSE SHE DOESN’T BELIEVE MY TESLA AUTODRIVES ME TO THE GAY BAR AND THEN TURNS ITSELF OFF, CAUSING ME TO HAVE TO SPEND 4 HOURS IN THERE ASKING FOR A RIDE HOME
You know that really private/embarrassing stuff you say to your girlfriend when no one else is around? Her friends know all that shit.
My favorite part of The Talented Mr. Ripley is how easy it was to scam people in the 50s. You could just beat a guy to death with an oar and show up to the American Express office with his ID and they’d like “of course, and how much money would sir be withdrawing today?”
Literally every dog in the world failed their families by letting a rabbit break into their home
This weather better stop actin like my teenager’s mood
I don’t like the person you become when I’m on my period.
*cat lays on my leg*
*I remain perfectly still for hours, so she won’t leave*
*I move half an inch*
*cat buys bus-ticket for next town over*
Establish dominance at the dentist by trying to swallow everything they put in your mouth
CORONA VIRUS TIP:
If you have a donut in each hand, you can’t accidentally touch your face or shake hands.
“Whats your biggest weakness?”
“I’m bad at taking compliments”
“Actually that’s quite endearing”
*Leaps across table, punches him in throat*
Maybelline claims to make eyelashes appear three times longer…..I think they should start making condoms.
“Do you want to hold my baby?”
Yeah nice try. You got yourself into this mess you hold your own damn baby.
Politics would be a lot more fun if Congress had an open bar.
Saw the optometrist and he said he’s going to have to increase my prescription because my eye muscles have gotten weaker. I think he can tell I’ve been skipping eye day when I go to the gym.
I just closed a browser tab by accident and yelled noooooo as one of my free articles for the month disappeared into the abyss forever.
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Now put your cats up!
Anyone who has to spend more than 2 mins at an ATM is obvilously sending a text to Optimus Prime
The longer you’re married, the more foreplay it takes to get her excited. I’m up to a week and a half now 🤨
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but, don’t drink aquarium water to impress a girl……..
Eating in my 40s is confusing: I’m young enough that I still need to take care of my body, but old enough that I don’t want to risk having a salad as my last meal.
My husband bought me a holiday throw pillow after complaining that we have too many throw pillows. He said “Holiday pillows don’t count because they’re temporary.”
I don’t think he understands the floodgate he just opened.
OMG THIS IS SUCH A SURPRISE THE THOUGHT OF WINNING AFTER A NOMINATION IS A PHENOMENA THAT BLOWS MY MIND HOW DID IT HAPPEN
– All Emmy winners
Me: I like your Prince tattoo.
“It’s my mother.”
Me: Your mother is Prince?
Me: [arguing with Tom Cruise] OMG JUST PICK A POSSIBLE MISSION
nurse: *hands me a urine specimen cup* the bathroom’s over there
[later]
nurse: it’s empty
me: i didn’t need it, there was a toilet
Whenever I leave a fancy restaurant I tell the people coming in “I recommend the squirrel”.
Him: We have made it completely idiot proof
Me: Stand aside and let a professional determine that
I’ve always wanted to buy 2 coffees, take them to a crime scene & while handing 1 to the officer in charge ask, “So, what do we have here?”
me: Mother Nature is passive-aggressively reminding us to hydrate
them: why can’t you just say it’s raining
This elevator skit is so incredibly simple
And I think that’s what makes it perfect.