If the future is now, then how come the pizza I’m gonna order later isn’t here yet?
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IKEA is fine if you don’t mind assembling furniture in 18 steps and realizing you made a mistake in step 3.
What’s there to get? the floor is hard. And cold. And too smooth. That’s why I vomit on the carpet.
–my dog
ChatGPT cannot be stopped.
Is your meth contaminated with coronavirus? This Florida police dept. will test it for free
An octopus is very cool because if Snow White and the Seven Dwarves were drowning, it would have enough tentacles to save all of them.
84% of Canadians think the preparations for the American blizzard are “cute”
One day, when my kids are grown with their own homes, I’ll come over, grind food into all of their keyboards and lie about it.
Bike for sale
Been married a few times. Always the bride, never the bridesmaid
Horror movies have given me an unrealistic expectation that there is someone out there that cares enough about me to kill me.
date: I’m an archaeologist
me: my career is also in ruins
e=mc2 was just Einstein comparing himself to other rappers
COME ON KRUSE #fencing
Today’s workout. 5 x 7 min intervals. 1 hour walk. Helped demolish my neighbour’s shed. I’ve never seen anyone so angry.
Just saw a boneless KFC commercial followed by an ad for apple flavored beer. Anyone remember when adults didn’t act like five year olds?
Sorry I hacked your e-cig. You’ve actually been vaping a dead bird for a month.
Husband: “You should try going to bed earlier.”
Me: “You should take the 3yo to work with you.”
Him: “I’d get nothing done.”
Me: “EXACTLY.”
“What’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s” – people with babies
<first date>
Him: *wipes mouth and tosses napkin on unfinished plate*
Me: *seductively slides napkin to the side and finishes his meal*
– So tell me about your date.
– It was ok. He’s a Detective Inspector, currently working undercover in a butcher’s.
– Sounds a bit dull.
– Yeah but there’s more to him than meats DI.
[father and son riding bikes together]
dad, how’d you get so good?
[doing a wheelie] I’ve had a lot of DUIs
urinal cakes? what’s next? urinal muffins and cookies? urinal brownies? urinal tarts? an entire unexplored world out there
Boss: You’re fifteen minutes la- WHAT HAPPENED TO YOU?
Me, scratched and bleeding: Fight with a goose.
Boss: What?
Me: *grabs work knife and heads back out* Fight with a goose.
No thanks, heavy metal concert. If I want lots of screaming without understanding the words I’ll just hang out with my toddler.
As long as my family keeps calling it “The Twitter” I’ll know I’m safe here
Apparently this dude at the mall was just tying his shoe and did NOT want to play leap frog. My bad, dude. My bad.
I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.
THIS HEADLINE
would love to see a prequel to Titanic where we see Jack completely unable to climb onto a floating pool toy and we all go “ahh makes sense”
Went to my uncle’s funeral today open bar pretty good food but my uncle was dead 3/5 stars