If by loaded the dishwasher you mean did I just take eleven shots of tequila, then yes, the dishwasher is loaded
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This needs to be over soon because my husband is starting to realize I’m not out of his league.
I will never have to admit to a mistake at work when I can blame the last person who quit
Filing dill pickle chips under “double vegetable”.
My toddler just screamed GET OFF MY LAWN to her brother so it’s nice to know I’m not the only one becoming a totally different person right now
[bar]
CUSTOMER: Barman
BARMAN: Sir?
C: This beer tastes like piss
[further down the bar]
BEAR GRYLLS: I’ll have what he’s having
People look at you funny when you put things in their cart at the store.
The single greatest thing I’ve done as a parent is convince my kids that Twix are gross and that they should give them all to me.
Happy Halloween!
I’m a total go with the flow kinda person as long as the flow is meticulously scheduled well in advance and there are no mid-flow changes whatsoever
Every once in a while you feel like someone is watching out for you, and it’s not the sniper on the roof
Me: Ugh…where am I?
Voice: Never mind that. I’ve missed you.
M: WHO’S THERE??
*steps into the light to reveal the DuoLingo owl*
DuoLingo Owl: “Who” indeed…You missed your last French lesson.
M: HEEEELP
D: IT LEARNS TO SAY “JE T’AIME BIEN” OR ELSE IT GETS THE HOSE AGAIN
Me: if I had to review it, the beginning was boring, none of it was believable. I didn’t care about the main characters but we got cake so one star
Bride: did you at least enjoy being maid of honor
People Magazine sounds like something aliens pretending to be humans would call their magazine.
Nobody can turn an omelet into scrambled eggs quicker than me.
Going down to the shelter today to adopt a rotisserie chicken
It’s all fun and games until a metal flask falls out of your car in the church parking lot.
It’s 1:28 AM. You can’t sleep. Underneath your bed there’s a rustle as the clown tries to quietly unwrap and eat a Snickers bar.
being a parent can be really hard but one day your kid will do something simple like bring you breakfast in bed and in that moment you’ll know in your heart that you have to go and clean the kitchen
Assert your dominance by crossing out your coworkers name on their food and put your own.
Then eat it in front of them.
Someone added the GameCube intro to my unemployment graph & it’s significantly better now.
[Reading of my will]
To my children I leave my vast collection of pants, which over the years we have affectionately referred to as your
*Everyone says simultaneously
“Our jeanetic inheritance”
Interviewer: And do you have any experience as a carpenter?
Me, sweating nervously: YES I SPEND ALL OF MY FREE TIME CARPENTING. I’M VERY CARPENTROUS
Interviewer:
Me: I HAD FOUR RED BULLS BEFORE I CAME HERE IS THERE A BATHROOM I COULD BUILD?
*Rides unicorn to work*
*Gives Bigfoot hi-five*
*Chats with mermaids*
*Argues with Medusa*
*Gets called in to HR*
*Fails drug test*
Amazing statistic. The new U2 album is the most deleted record in history.
I hate it when I’m by the window and make eye contact with someone outside, so I understand why this lady is shocked to see me up a tree.
A Navidad is just a normal Dad that never has to ask for directions.
A guy just made fun of me for buying wine coolers at the store. I’m wearing crocs with socks and that’s what you’re going to make fun of?
*wins $1000*
To claim your prize, create an account and password.
Ugh this will take forever, nevermind.
Might see you guys in 15-25yrs. Weekend with my folks & it’s only a matter of time before I snap.
Some days you’re just really stupid. 365 to be exact.