Yes indeed, I am a morning person. Morning naps are my favorite
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me: you there, boy! what day is it? what month?! out with it!
boy: why, sir, it’s the Wangth of Dongtober of course
me: [slapping time machine] by jove, we did it!
me: i was doing crossfit on the night in question
cop: ur not even a suspect
me: i just wanted u to know
Candy is dandy but Heather wears leather.
Doctor: “Just lie back and relax, I’ll start the lasik eye procedure in a moment.”
*Turns on laser*
*Patient’s face is attacked by cats*
Being the tallest person at work, leads me to believe they hired me because they were short staffed.
Maybe I need to quit questioning my parenting and start questioning my children’s childing.
It’s like my nana always said, “If you choose your friends wisely, you’ll never have good drugs.”
Sweet potatoes are just regular potatoes that remember birthdays and anniversaries.
judge: do u plead innocent or guilty?
me: I do
Today our 4yo insisted on a large bowl of Golden Grahams, banana, and milk for breakfast, so long story short, my breakfast was 99% of a large bowl of Golden Grahams, bananas and milk
Things I hate:
1. Hatred
2. Irony
3. Lists
I sign off with “kind regards” but secretly all my regarding is malicious
“Do you expect me to talk?” He asks.
“No, Mr Bond.” I reply, loading Titanic into the Blu Ray player, “I expect you to cry.”
Me: I have the body of a pro wrestler.
Her: OMG I love The Rock.
Me: Oh, totes, but what are your feelings on sumo?
Got kicked outta Starbucks for trying to order a venti mocha choca latta ya-ya creole lady marmalaaaaaaaaade.
Jesus needed to sleep in a cave for 3 days and he didn’t even have kids
Her: this isn’t going to work out
Me: *in the kiddie pool in full scuba gear* Why, what’s wrong?
Damn girl, are you a maple tree? Cause I would tap that, and you have an impressive root structure which is where this metaphor falls apart.
I find old cables in my house that I know I should throw out but then I’m like ‘nah I better keep that just incase someone comes round with a nokia n95 and needs to connect it to a fax machine’.
15: what do you risk becoming from taking drugs….
Me: …addicted
15: what do you risk becoming from smoking cigarettes…
Me: …addicted
15: what smacked you in the face last night?
Me: …go to your room
Holiday dinners with family are like real life boss levels with the worst loot
Sure, you can get your wife jewelry or an expensive purse or perfume for Christmas, but she will never forget the Christmas you got her a mop. Never.
My 2yo put her lamp in a different room because it “needs a vacation.”
why I oughta
Been getting into gardening lately and I think it’s going well!
Good Cop: If you confess now, you’ll probably just get probation.
Fad Cop: Hey Macarena!
Who called it ‘The Last Supper’ and not ‘Jesus take the meal’
Me: I could survive in the wild.
Wife: It took you 9 minutes to open a bag of chips.
Hopefully wild game isn’t wrapped in plastic.
Remember, when you’re driving in the snow, it’s important to speed up and go as fast as you can so you don’t get stuck.
so, what you’re saying is, if i don’t eat an apple a day, i’ll meet a doctor?
… sounds better than tinder