my phone:
🍎 APPLE PAY: RECURRING TRANSACTION COMPLETE
$15.35me, smiling serenely, closing my phone: “wonder what that’s for :)”
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Behind every successful woman is a Man who let her down.
I was kicked out of mime school once. I hadn’t put the safety lock on and my finger guns went off. The whole class took cover in their boxes
Breaking News:
Germany defeats Argentina… France surrenders.
4-year-old: How many push-ups can you do?
Me: A million.
4: Then why did your arms shake on the first one?
Me: Must’ve been an earthquake
Oh, you’ve got 99 problems?
Amateur.
If you read the entire dictionary technically you’ve read every book but out of order.
have a nail gun and some boards laying around? show him you love him by adding some attractive wood paneling to his car
kicked out of photoshop class for letting out a huge yeehaw every time i select the lasso tool
[audition]
Casting Director: can you do accents?
Me: *cries Britishly*
CD: oh very nice, excellent- anything else?
Me: *cries in Japanese*
CD, overcome with emotion: breathtaking… truly
Once upon a time, a woman kissed a frog and found a prince.
*I whisper to myself, filling out another application at the cat shelter*
Matt Lauer lost his job.
Charlie Rose lost his job.
Mark Halperin lost his job.
Glenn Thrush lost his job.
Billy Bush lost his job.
Harvey Weinstein lost his job.
Kevin Spacey lost his job.
But in politics…
Conyers still in Congress.
Moore still running.
Trump still President.
One day a guy named Matt banged a waitress and nine months later a mattress was born haha just messin around on this website.
We really are the most blessed generation. We’ve had 7 iPhones and 7 Fast and Furious movies.
Doctor: It doesn’t look good
Me: What? You haven’t even tested me for covid yet
Doctor: Judging by that outfit you’ve clearly lost your sense of taste
[flying to Vegas]
TSA agent: The metal detector is going crazy. Do you have any metal on you?Me: Just my lucky rabbit’s foot key chain, my lucky penny, my lucky bronzed four-leaf clover and my lucky horseshoe.
Vader: “I am your father.”
Luke: “I am your father.”
Vader: “Stop copying me.”
Luke: “Stop copying me.”
Vader: “Shut up.”
Luke: “Shut up.”
This invitation says, “Regrets only,” so I’m sending them a note that says, “My hair throughout most of the ‘90s.”
I can tell exactly how much someone weighs by how much noise they make when I push them down the stairs.
Just put bacon grease in my wax warmer and now Matha Stewart is calling me for tips
I get it roosters, I scream when I wake up in the morning too
Toaster: Things are getting hot…. real hot, I’m getting close.
Me:
Toaster: Ahhhhhh!!!! I popped…
Me: I don’t think I really want that waffle anymore.
4yo: mommy, can you make me popcorn when you are done sitting?
Me: {gets into a more comfortable position} sureee!
not to be confused with the baby elephant-sized meteor as heavy as 4 corgis!!
me: i wish i could go live in the woods
my phone: your screen time was up 34% this week for a daily average of 7 hours
Pretty weird that a hamster I had for three months at the age of six plays such an important role in my adult life as a part of my online banking security protocol
Honestly, my biggest fear about becoming a zombie is all the socializing.
Just found a hilarious message in a bottle on the beach. I decided it needed to be RT’d, so I threw it back in.
If you’re bringing a kid to my house, it better be a baby goat.
6:00am: I’ll go to the gym in 20 minutes
6:20am: I’ll go to the gym in 10 minutes
6:30am: I’ll go to the gym in 5 minutes
6:35am: I’ll go to the gym in 2 minutes
6:37am: What time does McDonald’s open
If you call me Dear, I automatically grandpa zone you.