Normalize saying “Yummy in my tummy” when the server asks about your meal.
You Might Also Like
I backed my car away from the intersection so a jogger could run by and they waved at me THREE times.
In my head, we are now married and have two children, Charles and Ariel.
I think long & hard before using innuendo.
Another normal evening
Cook food – 30 minutes
Eat it – 5 minutes
Check Facebook – 1 minute
Check Twitter – 8 hours
Nothing makes me get up faster than my 6yo walking by me with a bottle of Elmer’s glue.
[god making cheetahs]
Let’s just squish a giraffe and give it whiskers
When my 2 y.o. throws a temper tantrum, I suddenly don’t feel so bad about leaving her with massive national debt & a destroyed environment.
I just shaved my legs and man, the next 7 minutes and 34 seconds before it starts growing back is gonna feel amazing.
archeologist 1: with the rosetta stone we can finally translate hieroglyphics!
archeologist 2: nice! what does this bird symbol mean?
archaeologist 1: looks like they’re saying…bird
archaeologist 2: hm ok.. and the cat symbol?
archaeologist 1: …you’re not gonna believe this
I briefly stepped away from social media to get an idea of what else is going on in the world. For instance, I didn’t realize I was still married.
Coffee so good it helps a little old lady cross the street.
N = Someone
O = Doesn’t
P = Understand
E = Acronyms
If I was president I would put Netflix, Hulu, Prime, HBO, and every other streaming service in a room together and make them collectively decide how loud each volume number is
I’ve never hated a neighbour enough to get wind chimes.
A guy on Tinder just asked me what my Social Security Number was. I was so thrown – I’m really not used to men taking an interest in my life.
Finished my book on how to fall down the stairs, it’s a step by step guide.
The cool thing about driving 15 mph in a school zone is that it makes it so much easier to text.
GENIE: and for your first wish?
ME: I wish that the end of every bag of chips was the start of another
GENIE: holy shit!
When a man tells me he’s looking for a ‘real woman’ I scurry away because I’m actually three owls in a raincoat AND HE MUSTN’T FIND OUT.
we will divorce one (1) billionaire every week until our demands are met
Her: You’ve been quiet.
Him: Thank you.
Doctor: You’re gonna lose that eye.
Me: That’s HORRIBLE!
D: You need to be optimistic.
M: HOW?!?
D: Think of it as ‘your glasses half full’.
Double negatives are never not confusing.
Crabs always look like they’re walking themselves out of an awkward situation.
DOCTOR [hitting me with his car] This is for not eating that apple
me doing my best
Me: Do that thing I like
Him: [panics because I’m very inconsistent]
*stares into the abyss*
*abyss pretends it’s doing something on its phone*
oh cool this article looks like a neat re-“JOIN OUR NEWSLETTER TO NEVER MISS OUT ON THE BEST NEWS EVER BUT FIRST DISABLE YOUR ADBLOCKER ALSO CAN WE HAVE YOUR PHONE NU-“
I had to cut my own toenails. This pandemic is bullshit.
Hey girl, are you a check engine light? ‘Cause I’m not sure what you’re trying to tell me but I have a feeling you’re going to ruin my day.