Why he land on that little girl like that☠️
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[asteroid hurling towards earth]
ME: [frantically petting dogs] this puts me horribly behind schedule
I don’t drink. This means when I do karaoke, it’s on purpose.
humans only use 10% of their treadmills
I spend an awful lot of time picking the most desirable potato chips out of the bag for someone who’s going to eat them all anyway.
ME: (in prison) Come on man! I know you can bust us out of here!
KOOL-AID MAN: *closes his bible and looks up* I’m not about that life anymore.
Jewel: 🎼 I got my eggs, I got my pancakes too
I got my maple syrup, everything but youMe: Girl, quit while you’re ahead
I asked my wife why she was pissed at me and she said “YOU KNOW WHY” and now I’m just keeping my mouth shut until I can narrow it down
Nothing can destroy your good opinion of a company quicker than working for them.
Cop: I can only hold you for another hour
Criminal: Then you’re just gonna let me go?!
Cop: You know I gotta work, babe
Shampoo, conditioner, and body wash are the condiments of showering and we are the hot dogs and hamburgers.
I had a stormy relationship with my mother, mostly because she was a cumulus cloud
Me: This is a weird looking but comfortable toilet!
Masseuse: Sir that’s the hole to put your face in, I – OH DEAR GOD!!
power walking from my problems because running will draw their attention
The seven new planets cause havoc with your readings. There is nothing but chaos and pain and, for some reason, hot singles in your area.
*Dentist’s waiting room*
*Trying to make conversation with other patient*
So… I guess you have teeth, too?
What they say: “Hey, have you lost weight?”
What they mean: “Hey, I remember you being a lot fatter. What gives?”
I hate it when my Wife says that we need to talk.
It’s always “What’s wrong with you?” and never about sports, beer or bikini models.
Before you buy anything online ask yourself “Am I prepared to see a sales ad for that same item on every social media site I visit until the day I die?”
This day in history. 1950. The FBI put out its first 10 Most Wanted list and my dad lost a bet because only 2 of the guys were his brothers.
[dinosaur heist movie]
*the expert triceratops safecracker spends 40 minutes unsuccessfully trying to put his ears up to the safe*
IKEA furniture will now snap together
will no tools or hardware.The company boasts that it will save
thousands of h̶o̶u̶r̶s̶ marriages
Me: i think i’m being hunted by a great white shark
Wife: nonsense, we’re on land
*Weirdly-shaped grandfather clock i don’t remember owning exhales sigh of relief*
H: How’s your day?
M: Just about to wine down.
H: You mean wind?
M: nope
I’ve had my phone battery die at a family function. Nothing scares me now.
Cop: Pull over
Me: you cold bro?
Boxing and fencing
Two sports that have nothing to do with boxes or fences
ME: this is great
INSTRUCTOR: you’ve never used a gun before, huh?
ME: [throwing another gun at the target] I need more guns
Did you know that your iPad has a built in bathroom scale app? Go ahead, try it.