Tried to impress 9 by making up sentences containing 3 of her vocabulary words at once, so now she knows what “nerd” means.
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“My god, it’s the zombie apocalypse. Everyone grab the most critical items and get ready to run”
*me holding a Shrek 2 DVD*
Way ahead of you
Harrison Ford just turned up at my AA group. I’ve never seen Han so low.
“You can’t have 80° and 30° weather in the same week”
Midwesterners: hold my beer
*first year living alone*
Me: *runs out of bedroom on Christmas Day to find no presents* what
If I’m wrongly accused of a crime, I’m going to prison. I’m way too introverted to have an alibi.
Idiom update: “the pot calling the kettle black” is now “the guy from Aerosmith accusing a dude of looking like a lady”
Me: Find a penny, pick it up and all day long you’ll have good luck!
Penny: Please put me down
Marriage after kids is basically two zookeepers arguing about who has to clean up the monkey poop on a daily basis.
[Mcdonald’s]
DARWIN: 2 Big Mac meals for us… and 9 Happy Meals for the kids
WIFE: we have 10 kids
DARWIN: I know
[asteroid hurling towards earth]
ME: [frantically petting dogs] this puts me horribly behind schedule
Red light special: that smug look that you give the driver who was speeding and cut you off then ended up beside you at the red light.
I hate flexing on twitter but I just finessed a crockpot and a ouija board from my neighbor’s garage sale for only $10 if anyone wants to come over and summon evil spirits while I slow cook vegetable stew for us
Why is Twitter so quiet on Sundays?
No way you’re all at church.
Ain’t no mountain high enough
Ain’t no valley low enough
Ain’t no high-security psychiatric hospital strong enough
To keep me from yooou
What if Creature From the Black Lagoon’s real name was Gary and “Creature” was just a mean nickname he got in middle school
ME: The kitten has eaten all the grapes!
GF: Just get some more
ME: Ok[later]
GF: Did you get more grapes?
ME [drowning in kittens] what?
“Ah, Mr Bond, I-”
*closes laptop lid and pulls up trousers*
“-wasn’t expecting you.”
Me: You’re cleaning out the basement?
Her: Yes I am decluttering my life. I have a new rule: If I haven’t used it in 3 months, I’m getting rid of it.
Me: I guess I’ll be packing my bags then.
“super-crunchy” is now a peanut butter you can buy at the store. the new innovation is we stopped making the crunchy peanut butter early
Drinking alcohol before pregnancy can cause pregnancy.
[Pollock family game night]
Jackson: K who’s gonna be my partner for Pictionary —
Mom: Not it
Dad: Not it
Sis: Not it
Gramma: DAMN IT
Friend: have you ever been to Norway?
Wife: sadly no.
Friend: why not?
Wife: my husband said we can’t afford it.
Me: that’s not what I said.
Wife:
Friend:
Wife: [sigh] he said we can’t afjord it.
Today I met people who had twin 6 month old babies, and they would not even let me have the one that really liked me. Selfish.
I was watching a YouTube video of a cat jumping whenever a metronome clicked. I thought, “You know the sound is coming! How does it keep startling you?” And then my toast popped up and scared the shit out of me.
“wfh”
what it means: work from home
what my brain sees: what fthe hell?
Him: Who ate a whole pan of pigs in a blanket??
Me with crescent roll crumbs stuck to my lip: Burglar.
FACT: if a cop says FREEZE and then you say “now everybody clap yo hands” he has to drop his gun and clap and then you can get away.
My grandma: I found some toys in storage you can give to your daughter!
Me: oh cool what are they?
Grandma:
Friend: I got an audition for the play that cannot be named
Me: *Nodding* Fight Club
According to Marie Kondo, we should get rid of anything that doesn’t spark joy. By that logic, I should just quit my job.