If God judges me solely on my twenties, I’ll be going to hell in at least five different religions.
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(my funeral)
Spouse, crying: I’ll miss you, my love. Your with the angels now.Ghost me, whispering in his ear: *you’re
S: Oh ffs!
According to the amount of bacon I just cooked. I’m a family of 8.
[flops on the ground like a fish whenever I have to make a decision]
4-year-old: *looks at our pig* Which pig is she?
Me: What do you mean?
4: Is her house made of bricks or sticks?
I hate when my boyfriend’s snoring wakes me up and then I realize it was my snoring and I don’t have a boyfriend and I’m going to die alone.
Windows 10? Cool!
Only 85 more versions before we come back to Windows 95
My four year old has informed me that he doesn’t want us to get a lion. Not because they’re deadly predators, but because he’s allergic to cats and thinks a lion would make him sneeze too much. I’m just glad we discussed it before I went shopping.
It’s adorable how I write “beer” on my shopping list like I’d somehow forget.
Don’t flatter yourself, any type of milkshake brings me to the yard.
to the people playing drinking games rn.. are u dead
75% of parenting is taking their keys to punish them
And giving them back because they’re driving you crazy
Wife: *looking through my yearbook* you have the exact same haircut
Me: well I use a bigger bowl now
There are no atheists in parking lots where you’ve dropped your phone face down on the asphalt.
Do I want the coronavirus? No. Would I exploit the shit out of it with a daily vlog series titled “Going Viral” were I to catch it? The answer may (not) surprise you.
Friend: Let’s get together! What’s your calendar look like next week?
Me: Same picture of a dog on it till next month
I would do anything for love. But I won’t do that. Or that. That’s not looking good either.
If you are stressed and it’s making me stressed, then your desserts are also my desserts. That’s science. Now be quiet and hand me a spoon.
I don’t like the person you become when I’m on my period.
1% milk was invented when someone poured regular milk into a glass that still had water in it and they were too ashamed to admit their mistake.
We have a house full of chairs and couches, yet my 3-year-old chose to sit on a grocery bag full of bread.
You can’t explain children. You just survive them.
Friend: Hey man I haven’t seen you since you had a baby. How’s parenthood?
Me: Up at dawn. Milk. Survive. Distract. Feed. Milk. Distract. Physical activity. Feed. Milk. Asleep at sundown.
Friend: Hahaha sounds like farming.
Me: That’s right. Parents are kid farmers.
I know blood in horror movies is just corn syrup, but it’s still terrifying because at this point, that’s basically all my blood is
Every winter Olympic sport is based on something ancient humans had to learn to do in order to not die.
Except for curling, which was based on a game a mom invented to convince her 4-year-old chores can be fun.
Fight Club, but instead of blowing up all the financial institutions, they reset all twitter follower counts back to zero.
Imagine your life revolving solely around a napping and snacking schedule and still being mad all the time.
Get it together, toddlers.
“Oh heyyy youuu. How are YOU doing? How’s your… stuff? I haven’t seen you in… time.”
-I say to the person I don’t remember.
I’m 33 now. The age Jesus quit comedy and got into magic. I hope I reach the same number of followers.
3YO: She’s eating my sandwich!
Me: Why are you eating her sandwich??
7YO: Because I thought she wasn’t looking!
Cop: know how fast you were going?
Me: 30
Cop: faster
Me: 217
Cop: what? no 72
Me: 54
Cop: I already told-
Me: negative 12
Cop: get out
I hate to brag but I’ve had numerous women fake their own death to get out of a relationship with me.