My daughter should be getting her mid quarter grades soon. I’m excited to see how I’m doing in algebra.
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ME: Honey, I bought a Pet Rock
WIFE: A WHAT?
ME: Shhh, you’ll make him nervous
DWAYNE JOHNSON: *already peeing all over the carpet*
I learned two things today:
1) my mother-in-law is coming over for dinner
2) it takes me 1 hour 47 minutes to get home from work in idle
I drove for the first time in a long time without the music on……I don’t think cars are supposed to make the sounds I’m hearing.
At dinner my husband hollered, “I’m going to run off to a place where I’m appreciated!”
My daughter: Don’t take my Barbie backpack.
My son: Can someone pass the butter?
My mother: You married her.
Pretty sure my refrigerator is having sex with itself from all the noises its making.
People say they’re gung-ho about saving the environment, but propose reusing toilet paper at a city council meeting one time and suddenly global warming’s “not that big of a deal” and “you’re not welcome here”
I just watched Grease and it makes me sad how kids today are too lazy to buy matching leather jackets and smoke cigarettes.
Jiminy Cricket: [singing] Always let your conscience be your g–
Me: *sprays insect repellent*
I bet newlyweds never wonder if their spouse is snoring that loud on purpose
In a hotel room. The dog’s growling and whimpering. My wife’s worried the neighbours will think we’re having sex.
HAD LOTS OF ESPRESSO. TWEETING FROM THE MOON. I LIVE HERE NOW. IT IS NOT MADE OUT OF CHEESE.
1 OUT OF 5 STARS: NOT RECOMMENDED
[7 minutes in heaven]
Me: so, I’ve never made out with anyone before, have you? We don’t have to if you don’t want to. I don’t want to make you uncomfortable. Ugh I’m rambling now aren’t I. Sorry, I’m just nervous haha
Jesus: you’ve been up here 7 minutes what is wrong with you
I don’t know why Coca-Cola and Pepsi are fighting over what Santa drinks, everybody knows that big fat belly can only come from beers.
My husband said the doctor told him I can suck out his kidney stone. After 3 days of trying, I think he lied to me.
When you meow it is in a really bad accent it is the cat equivalent of the Borat voice just fyi that is how your cat perceives you
“Do you smoke the devil’s lettuce?”
Mom, why the h*ck would I smoke coleslaw
For fun I like to stir up facebook by just posting, “The funeral will be this Friday”
If you’re giving me directions and you say, “Head north,” I’m going to think you mean toward the sky.
I moved to this city ten years ago with nothing more than the money in my pocket and a debit card that gave me access to the rest of my money which was in a bank.
None of the parenting books said ANYTHING about having to relearn chemistry at 10 PM.
Should we just leave the door open for Santa since we don’t have a chimney?
-my kid who is about to get us burglarized
The easiest way to tell the difference between an alligator and a crocodile is to say goodbye and see how it responds.
Twitter is like swimming in the ocean. Sometimes, it a beautiful sight. Occasionally, you find others like you. And you have no idea how many times you’ve passed a shark.
I let my 5 year old talk me into playing kickball-basketball, so now I’ve got to explain this bloody nose to my wife.
i replaced babies in these pictures with hotdogs to show america what really matters
Moment of silence for the guy in Target who just said to his girlfriend, “that seems like a lot of money for face lotion.”
[blind date]
HER: I just want to honestly know what’s in a guy’s heart
ME {trying to impress her}: blood
me: this is dave. every word he says is brilliant
friend: hi dave
dave: brilliant
How to kill a text thread in 6 letters: Hahaha
A moment of silence for our dear friend, liquid water, who did not survive the 100° temperature… You will be mist…