Me: It isn’t Max on the original Mad Max movie poster. It’s his friend Goose
Priest: Would anyone else like to say a few words? Perhaps about the deceased this time?
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U can give out anything on Halloween it doesn’t have to be candy last year I gave a kid my cable bill it was awesome he paid it & everything
What in all holy hell is going on with this box of toilet paper I just got from Amazon
I was called a village idiot today which really upset me. I live in a city.
You cause one minor incident at a museum and everyone is “Irreplaceable Egyptian mummy” this and “Could have used regular toilet paper” that
Coworker: You know how some days you just don’t want to go to work?
Me: WAIT! There are days you DO want to be here?!
That’s not a halo. It’s the light at the end of the tunnel glowing behind me as I walk in the wrong direction.
*In the elevator*
Guy: Good morning ladies. You two going down?
Me: No. We’re just friends
Guy: ….
First date tip: Laugh at all his jokes, even bad ones. Men love it. Laugh louder. If he begs you to stop…laugh harder. This is good advice
WIFE: Did you buy eggs?
ME: Even better. I bought a goat.
W: How is that better?
M: *stares confusedly for a full minute* How is it not?
Rage Against the Severely Uncooperative TouchPad On this Dell
I just ate what I thought was a feta cheese crumble from my salad off my shirt. Turns out it was deodorant. So how’s your day going?
Attention & Pizza are best enjoyed, undivided!
Stopped visiting friends because they have a child gate on the way to the upstairs bathroom I can’t figure out.
I kid you not.
-Condom wearers
Him: I don’t think we should drink while we do yard work anymore
Me: *powerwashing the lawn* why not
C’mon now, y’all couldn’t have ALL been picked last for kickball every time, that’s not even mathematically possible
Took my 3 year old to a lot of historic sites and whale watching today. Asked what her favourite part was and she said, “The M&M’s”.
Killers in crime shows think they can cover up strangling people but the coronor is always inevitably like “his neck was snapped in a way that was inconsistent with a heart attack”
‘Pizza toppings. Go.’
-Me, speed dating.
[1st date]
So, what’s your back story?
“I have scoliosis”
No, I mean your BACK STORY, like your history
“Oh! I got scoliosis as a child”
Even after seeing all of the Jurassic Park movies I still feel like a dinosaur theme park sounds like a really good idea
The only Plato I care about is a big Plato spaghetti
Me, leaving my child home alone: Call me if there’s an emergency.
My child, calling me 2 minutes later: Do you know where the Oreos are?
HUSBAND: Why are you late?
ME: I was at church.
HUSBAND: I find that hard to believe. Did they have a breakfast buffet or something?
Me:
Remember when we didn’t have electronics in our face all the time? Sometimes I miss that.Also me:
My pizza delivery tracking won’t load?
I AM NOT MADE FOR THIS PRIMITIVE WAY OF LIFE.
I’ll straight up play reindeer games with a squid and squid games with a reindeer I really don’t give a shit anymore.
Executioner: say your last words
Me: your last words
Executioner: I’m gonna enjoy this one
*watching horror movie where young couple moves into new house & scary things happen* This is unrealistic they could never afford this house
“Mum I think I’m pregnant. ”
“Are you drunk?”
“How do you know?”
“A mother knows everything, Kevin.”
#MothersDay
Welcome to your fifties,
Your bladder is now in charge of all life decisions.