#WhatMostWomenWant A man with a vibrating penis.
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My wife asked what I thought of her new blouse and I used the word “slimming”, I explain to the other homeless people.
Moses: Yo, I think you typo’d this tablet, “Thou shall not Bill”?
God: Frig sakes.
Moses: Lol. Still want me to read it?
Someone should tell the Twitter ads I’m getting I can afford the next sub sandwich not ocean going vessel.
[getting an x-ray]
TECHNICIAN: Quit putting that box of chocolates on your chest.
ME: Just tell me which ones are coconut.
Her: You’ve changed.
Chameleon: Jesus, Karen, not this again.
My security system is just a bunch of my unpaid bills taped to my front door
My dog is LIVID with me because I’ve just let another dog walk by our house and done nothing about it
Bread bowls are not dishwasher safe. I know that now.
This guy’s luggage is masquerading as a mystery traveler and it’s freaking me out.
It’s only Canoodling if it’s with an actual Canadian.
Otherwise it’s just store brand noodling.
“Oh, we’re going for a 2 minute car ride? Let me just gather all of my worldly possessions and get a little naked first. Oh, & hide your keys.”
-3 year olds.
I changed my car horn to gunshot sounds. People move out of the way much faster now.
My shower head has 2 settings; remove top layer of skin, or wash away sins.
When you’ve aged 15 years since 2020 and they still tell you that you’re cute
Yesterday was 2/22/22. Don’t feel bad if you missed it. 3/33/33 is coming up
Not to brag but I’m an expert at using laundry to accessorize the living room
You can love someone with all your heart and still frequently daydream about hitting them with a shovel ok
If pharmaceutical companies have taught me anything, they’ve taught me that people with life threatening illnesses love to hike.
The evening ended rather abruptly after the following exchange:
Her: And here is a picture of me at 20.
Me: OMG what happened?!
My sister is doing low carb and she told me she made a low carb quesadilla. I asked her how and she said she used eggs as the tortilla. I said that’s an omelette and now she isn’t talking to me
Me:*spends 4hrs comparing gift prices on several sites to save $4*
Also Me: *spends $33 on pizza because I shopped too long to cook $6 chicken*
[audition for a vampire tv show]
ME: as u can see in my headshots, i’m a vampire
CASTING DIRECTOR: theres no one in these photos
ME: exactly
Him: Don’t say anything about his hair
Me: Ok
My brain: HOW hair hairy HAVE hair YOU hairy hair BEEN? hair
If you’re feeling down, just think of the person for whom your ex is a step up, and be grateful.
I knew this girl, she’s really deep; she’d always find a reason to preach about how size does matter…
“So sorry” – Actually sorry
“Sorry about that” – Not really sorry
“Sorry you feel that way” – Not sorry at all
“Sorry, but…” – Apologise to me
I will probably never be the tallest person in the room, but I will certainly be the highest
“The biblical Noah is no different than say, a Pokemon master, collecting God’s creatures for his own amusement,” I casually mention during the staff meeting while waiting for my PowerPoint to load
You can’t make this shit up 😩
(photo not mine, nor is the pooh)
[Lab]
Co-worker: “Where’s all the microscope oil and acetic acid?”
Me: (with a mouthful of salad topped with vinaigrette) I dunno.