I rescued a seagull, taught it karate and named it Steven, so what?
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*deletes my ex’s phone number*
k, weigh me now.
*at a shower
Our next game is using a roll of toilet paper to dress her in a death shroud.
[friend whispers to me]
Sorry. Wedding dress.
I have the financial security of a much, much younger man
I was told my $750 iPhone would improve the quality of my phone calls, but my family keeps calling telling me the same shit.
I don’t remember taking this vow of celibacy.
Not to brag but the guy working at the liquor store said I looked like I didn’t need any help.
likes 853 pics in your media, don’t make this awkward boo.
you’d think eating your young was more filling.
Me at 23: I can’t believe someone called the cops on us, it’s only 1am!!
Me at 43: It’s 10 o’clock and they’re still making noise. Call the cops.
Marries a mime. Lives quietly ever after.
Right on, adults who are excited for Halloween. I too get excited about things meant for kids. Last week I lost my shit because I saw a frog
*exercises sarcastically*
A party without Vodka is just a meeting.
I want to buy a haunted house, not so haunted where I can’t live in it but enough so my kids don’t get out of bed in the middle of the night.
Someone just told me to tone it down a notch. So disrespectful. I don’t have notches. I’m analog. I’m continuous. We have smidgens. I’ll tone it down a smidgen.
Nature can teach us a lot about navigating the workplace.
Reject new projects like a deciduous tree: “Conditions are unfavorable for me to accommodate additional photosynthesis, so I will be dormant for the winter.”
I get now why they call it being a cougar bc to get my recommended daily protein I gotta take down an elk
It’s only natural to want to let your children learn from their own mistakes and work their way out of difficult situations, but after being under a stool for several minutes I picked my Roomba, Alice, up and relocated her because I couldn’t handle that banging another second.
Wildebeest: 5 cheetahs on the horizon sir
Wildebeest Sergeant: How many men do we have?
Wildebeest: 4,000
Wildebeest Sergeant: RETREAT!
Me: Nothing is set in stone.
Gargoyle: Wow I’m like right here.
Waiting for the Charmin
I formerly apologize to my mother for any and everything that follows that she inevitably won’t approve of. #TheFirstLineInMyAutobiography
Sorry I look depressed. It’s just that when I heard the sound of your high heels on the hardwood floor, I thought a pony was in the house.
[leans against bus stop as bus approaches & winks at girl waiting]
I could easily afford to get on that if I wanted to.
If you see a hot girl walking you should honk your horn to let her know you’re intrested and afraid to talk to girls.
I just let a raccoon loose in my kitchen just so I’d have something to do tomorrow.
kicked out of photoshop class for letting out a huge yeehaw every time i select the lasso tool
Watching the Olympics.
Me: HOLY SHIT THAT WAS AMAZING! GOLD MEDAL!
Announcer: Ohhh! Not a good performance, those scores will not be pretty.
I jammed the laundry room door and now I can’t get in there and WHY DIDN’T I THINK OF DOING THIS SOONER?!
doctor: your heart rate is a little high, have you exercised today?
me: does sex count?
doctor: yes
me: then no