The best trick to ordering pizza is asking them not to cut it. By law, they can only charge you for one slice.
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HIM: Happy birthday, honey! I got you a gift basket, just like you wanted
HER: Oh thanks! What’s in it?
HIM: What do you mean, “in it”?
Tonight I realized that I gaze at cheese in much the same way that first time mothers gaze at their newborns
Hey geese crossing the road, u can fly.
My body is a wonderland, but like, the “Alice In” type. Everything is the wrong size. Tons of tea in there. Cats everywhere.
mechanic: the replacement part is gonna cost $1200
me: *did research and knows the average price is $300 so I should go somewhere else* okay
I’m not the fun “Why not?” friend, I’m the friend who will tell you why not.
they should have called it “Checkmate” instead of “Tinder”
I’m not saying I’m getting fat, but my dirty talk in bed is mostly just recipes for pies.
friends: if bruce wayne was poor batman wouldn’t exist
me: *under breath* what the hell does bruce wayne have to do with batman
Undertaker: “What do you want your husbands gravestone to say?”
Wife: “Nothing. I want a traditional, non-talking one.”
I’m spending my adult life behind bars, or as my spouse likes to call it, married
I haven’t had a donut since two thousand and quarantine.
Squid Game, but it’s me giving my cat a bath.
Don’t complain to me about gaining weight until you’ve outgrown a necklace.
Whoever said money can’t buy happiness didn’t like things as much as I do.
Jehovah’s Witness: Hello, sir. Have you given any thought to the afterlife?
Me: Depends. Are you gonna be there?
Jehovah’s Witness: Why yes-
Me: *slams door*
5: Mommy, you’re a BOSSY YELLER who makes people CRY.
My mother, to 5: Yes. She’s always been that way.
i was just roughed up by a hipster bully. he gave me a knuckle sandwich, but also offered a gluten free alternative
I once went to a party with 10% battery life on my phone so you can shut the hell up about your “scary” battle at Normandy, grandpa.
Me: I’m sorry, this toilet isn’t flushing.
Home Depot employee: …
Plot twist, I pay you to see my premium creative content?
billionaires spent their money on sex crimes and polluting the ocean. such bullshit. with a billion dollars you could probably get Jeff Goldblum to tuck you into bed or have Stevie Nicks put a hex on you. billionaires are so stupid.
So 4:38 pm is a good time to realize your shorts have been unzipped all day.
date: *opening apt door* this is where the murder happens
me: OMG!
date: sorry magic happens haha I always confuse those two
me: phew
date: *locks door behind us* and now to magic you
Well, it’s finally happened. White people are Tupperwaring themselves.
me: [seductively] you have the posture of a dried up spider
“Pick up some electrician from the market. I’m having problems with AC again.”—married sext
guys in LA in their 30s are like “i love going camping, i love sleeping outside.” and it’s like, ok, why do you bother having your parents pay your rent then?
If you ever feel dumb, take comfort in knowing I was listening to music on my airpods while vacuuming and did 3 rooms before I realized the vacuum wasn’t even on.