no one ever comes back
You Might Also Like
sent my boyfriend a post-ambien text last night that said “i’m going to sleep, do you want anything?” proving my subconscious is stupid, but kind
I need to be locked up… in an ice cream factory.
I don’t understand why my AirPods aren’t working right I’ve only sent them through the laundry twice.
As far as I’m concerned the person who made kids toothpaste sparkly neon blue can go straight to hell. Twice a day I have to clean Smurf vomit from my sink. #smurfvomit #gotohell
*strips off clothes, stands on desolate highway holding sign saying “Last Naked Guy For 75 Miles”
one of the most amazing things in nature is that the basketball hoop is the perfect size to fit a basketball through
2 kids walk into a forest and try to eat an old woman’s home and she’s the villain? I’m not buying it Brothers Grimm.
Every one of my trophies might as well say “Best Trophy Thief.”
Coming soon from the makers of Hamilton:
LINCOLN
Featuring the smash rap hit about the Civil War:
“This could be US, but you slavin’.”
The conditioner I use is made with avocado oil. Not only is my hair soft, manageable, and shiny, but it also reminds me all day long about guacamole.
my last girlfriend broke up wth me after she went through my phone and i refused to tell her why i searched for goth grandpas
Doc: Let’s check your reflexes.
Me: I have the reflexes of a cat.
Doc: *hits my knee with a hammer*
Me: MEOW! *scratches Doc’s eyes out*
Must have been so hard for our ancestors to find out which mushrooms were edible and which weren’t. “Sure, the brown one was delicious but the orange one killed Steve so idk about that stew, Jeremy“
“Opps” is my favorite typo because it suggests the thrill of a secret counterinsurgency.
A couple weeks ago I left my front door open and my Roomba got out. This morning it showed up on my porch pregnant, with a dead bird in its mouth.
Cool thing about this wind storm is I now own 18 new trash cans..
I just used a recipe to make porridge and the last step was “Leave the house for a while.”
Plucked an unruly wiry white hair from my head and then missed it instantly 😔
ME: I’ve got this nervous tick
DR: Since when?
ME: [taking small arachnid from pocket] July?
MICK: [sweating] You said you’d do the talking
Welcome to parenting, your kids will never want to speak to you until you’re on the phone speaking to someone else.
I just wrote that it has already been an exceptionally long eeek and I don’t even feel the need to correct it.
Me: We should set up a play date
Hot dad at park: You have a kid?
Me: No, I said WE should
She: I like Cats
He:
TORTURER: I’m gonna water-board you
ME: Haha sure, bet you haven’t even got enough water
TORTURER: *takes Tupperware out of the dishwasher*
ME: Shit
Great, yet another drive-in movie ruined by the neighbors saying I can’t park on their lawn and watch movies through the living room window.
The best revenge is living well, so I really need to know what the second best revenge is.
If I ever die in my sleep it won’t be in my bed. It’ll be in a meeting.
Spider-man never tweets via iPhone. He’s a web kinda guy.
My son gave me the ultimate Mother’s Day gift: he just brought out all of the cups & dishes from his room & filled the kitchen sink.
I’m so blessed.
the human. who snuggled. my human. the other night. is here again. BUT. this time. however. they brought. my fren and i. treats.. we approve