Finally all the people in the White House are being polite. They are all running around saying “pardon me.”
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Niece: I like math
M: 5 X 1?
N: 5
M: *takes out phone* right
N:You’re using your phone?
M: I got a text
N: I didnt hear a sound*runs away*
Server: Would you like to try our new bacon-wrapped…
Me: YES!
When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.
[training to be a meat cutter]
butcher: you’re gonna want to take notes
me: ok [pulls out marker and giant roll of paper]
Prank Idea For The Ladies:
Swallow a plastic dinosaur, then make an appointment to get an ultrasound.
Listen employers if I could see where I’d be in five years I’d be joining the X-Men not applying for your shitty job.
[roulette]
ME: [slaps table] 50 on red
CROUPIER: Sir that is 50 pictures of Celine Dion
ME: Yes and if I win [grabs him] you owe me 50 more
Men always criticize our big ole purses but stay asking us for something out of it.
“U got gum?”
“Give me some lotion”
“Hold my gun”
Sometimes I get my Twitter app and my Tinder app confused. I know now that talking about skin suits to prospective dates is not “funny”.
Officer: Ma’am we take these complaints very seriously so we do need to search your home.
Me: But not the basement, right?
“Nine Foods You Should Never Eat Again”
Also known as the contents of my refrigerator.
“The following program is intended for mature audiences only”
Me: *leaves room
Marriage counselor: ok, let’s reflect on the last week’s session
Dracula: *snickering* I can’t reflect on anything
Dracula’s wife: are you even going to try and take this seriously?
I am, perchance
As a kid, I once spent hours hiding wedged behind a dresser refusing to come out unless my mom called me Smurfette- knowing full well she’d never figure out that was the way to find me/ get me out – so yes I’ve always been this way…
[Google Search History]
1. Do raccoons like to cuddle?
2. What does rabies smell like?
3. I can’t feel my face.
Every time I walk in on my brother watching a Star War, there’s 10 characters I don’t recognize and I just walk away
me: hey cat what are you up to
cat: ʜᴀɪʟ ʟᴜᴄɪᴘᴜʀʀ
me: what
cat: meow
You sound unhinged. Let’s go get mugshots.
*throws a dead pigeon at jerk who cut me off in traffic*
Wife: Hun, I don’t think “flipping the bird” means what you think it means.
I believe this with my whole heart 💀🪦
You know how some women ‘walk into’ their perfume? I’ve just done that but with a lamp post
You can literally say any Italian sounding words and pass it off as pasta.
I had bossatony micelli carbonara tonight.
Dating: Your eyes hypnotize me
Married: Your eye rolls hypnotize me
Autocorrect just changed “loose cannon” to “loser cannon” and now I’m imagining all the people I could shoot out of it.
Witch: I don’t get it. I build an enticing candy house… Why won’t these kids eat it?
[Gestures toward her candy house which is crawling with ants]
Black cat: You got me boss
Watermelon. The fruit that comes with a workout.
[sexting]
HER: I want u so bad
ME: badly
HER: what?
ME: badly…not bad…it should be an adverb
HER: you don’t sext very good
ME: you mean I don’t sext very WELL
Every zoo is a petting zoo if you can run fast enough.
I love twitter
The Victoria’s Secret models should use their wings to fly to a food source.